Look at this house. This house is like a medieval fort, set up on a hill like that, with stone terraces in front. If I lived here I’d go out of my way to provoke hordes of barbarians, knowing that if they decide to go for a frontal assault on my home, I’ll be able to hold them off indefinitely with nothing more than a few cauldrons of boiling tar and a catapult. Seriously though, this house is awesome – large, recently renovated (in 2006), stylish, with a huge pool in back. This house is the total package; if it was a person, they would be far, far out of your league.
Up the twin stone staircases, you enter into a long, bright foyer that features an oversized windowseat that makes me want to dress up in a plush cat costume and curl up for a nap. Is that weird? (Also, the house faces south, which means tons of light and, in the summer, melting into a literal puddle if the air conditioning goes out.) There’s a large formal dining room where you can all take turns angling for an advance on your inheritance when the grandparents visit for holiday dinners, and a living room that features a large stone fireplace. I tend to mention fireplaces in passing, because there’s one in almost every high-end property, but there really is something supremely enjoyable and meditative about building up a big roaring fire on a cold winter night and then sitting right in front of it until the buttons on your shirt are too hot to touch. I have fond memories of the winter several years ago when my heat got cut off for nonpayment, and me and my girlfriend at the time heated our apartment with wood that we salvaged (okay, stole) from Rock Creek Park. If not for our fireplace, we might have frozen to death or, even worse, had to get jobs.
The kitchen is all-white and super long (further supporting my “all kitchens are either square or long” theory), and an entire pantry wall of cupboards. I much prefer a wall of individual cupboards to just having one big walk-in pantry, since, according to movies, the pantry is absolutely the number one hiding place for mental hospital escapees who’ve broken into your house. Why make it easy for them, you know? There’s also a charming little dining area that opens directly onto the patio, so you can finish your omelet and throw your plates and cups outside to be gently washed by the rain. If the rain doesn’t get them clean enough, you can just bury them by rolling fresh sod over the yard – anything to avoid washing dishes. Upstairs, the master bedroom has another fireplace, picturesque wooden shutters over the windows, and a massive walk-in closet with a glass-topped island that I suspect was originally intended for the kitchen, but couldn’t fit there. The other bedrooms are roomy and bright, and one is already painted pink, which is great if you have a daughter, or are temporarily boarding someone with violent anger management issues. (Pink has been proven to be a calming color, and they often paint jails and asylums pink. The more you know!)
And finally, there’s the outdoor space, which hits every bullet point on everyone’s “ideal backyard” list. There’s the huge flagstone patio, perfect for dining “al fresco” (Italian for “these mosquitoes are killing me”), a large grassy yard for pet/child frolicking, and a huge swimming pool. There are even a pair of cabanas, which probably aren’t necessary since the pool is like thirty feet from your house. They’re about the size of tiny houses; maybe you could convert them into little guesthouses and then invite a couple of up-for-anything Kato Kaelin layabout types to move in and be your entourage. I have great hair, I’m great at fake laughing at your jokes, and I’m available. (Pending negotiation of my weekly cash allowance.)
4525 Klingle Street NW
6 Bedrooms, 4.5 Baths
All photos courtesy of MRIS; listing courtesy of Washington Fine Properties, 202-944-5000