This incredible Kent home is like a fortress – but a fortress of chill vibes. It’s a house for people who firmly believe that the end of the world is nigh and that you better have a home that’s defensible and fort-like and stocked with plenty of those high-tech filter straws you see in online banner ads that you can use to drink puddles and river water – but on the other hand like to kick back every now and then with a joint, some white wine, and “The Best of the Eagles” on vinyl. It’s super imposing – like literally, physically imposing, the way it looms monolithically over you as you walk up the driveway – but on the other hand, it’s as close to a louche West Coast home that I’ve seen in DC.
You walk up the curving front stairs and into the entryway, where you immediately climb more stairs, further heightening the impression that you’re entering a castle. The living room has several oversized windows and a nice big fireplace for burning all your documents and correspondence that you don’t want Julian Assange releasing to the media in thirty years, when you’re running for office. There’s an awesome sunroom/sitting room that opens onto the rear patio and has an entire wall of windows. In the summer, I bet it gets hot enough in here to fry eggs on the tile floor, which could be cool. Fling a wastebasket of pancake batter onto the hot floor right next to the eggs and we’ve got ourselves a complete breakfast. (This would be the worst “morning after” breakfast ever.) And further on there’s a long formal dining room with great views, so as your extended family pepper you with questions about when you’re going to get married and have kids, you can just stare dead-eyed out at the distant forest and think, “maybe I’ll just go dig a hole in the woods and live like an animal, eat roots and berries. Anything would be better than this.”
Upstairs, there are seven – seven! – bedrooms so, you know, be fruitful and multiply, live long and prosper, et cetera et cetera. The huge master suite is at the back of the house, facing the park, so it’s quiet and has great views of the green space. Looking at nature actually improves your health, according to the headlines of tons of New York Times articles I never click on, so there’s that. But as great as this house is, this is definitely an outdoor space-oriented home. There’s a huge swimming pool in back that I was tempted to cannonball into even though it was chilly out, and the pool was tarped over and full of deadly corrosive pool-cleaning chemicals. I would be out here every single day and night during the summer, and would seriously consider getting some of those ambient stand-up restaurant patio heaters so I could sit out here in the winter, too. In addition to the pool – this is a huge 0.65 acre lot – there’s a full-size tennis court back here. Could come in handy if you’re one of those people who wants to have kids but also wants to make those kids passionately hate you by forcing them to practice a sport for hours every day while their friends are off throwing rocks at cars and putting gum in each other’s hair. But if you’re not wild about the idea of having a tennis court at home (why not just go to the dang country club?), there’s a lot you could do with this space instead, like planting a huge garden or even building a small guest cottage that you can go sulk in when you play your new favorite song for your significant other and they just talk through the entire thing. And the property abuts Battery Kemble Park, so it’s going to be extra peaceful, and if you ever have any old appliances you need to get rid of, you can just drag them over the property line and let the city take care of them.
3125 Chain Bridge Road NW
7 Bedrooms, 7.5 Baths
All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy TTR Sotheby’s, 202-333-1212