This is the ultimate “cool dad” home. It’s a nice, solid, traditional house in a respectable neighborhood, but it also has an open floor plan, hypermodern finishes, and might buy you a case of Zima for high school graduation if you promise not to tell your mother. Located in North Cleveland Park, i.e. miles from everything, this house has been thoroughly redone and upgraded inside and out, proving that even a house can get its life together while I haven’t even cracked the self-help book my parents bought me for Christmas.
You enter into a sleek, roomy foyer; the entire first level is totally open, with high ceilings and a stylish marble fireplace that takes up an entire wall. This place has the open-est open floor plan I’ve ever seen, so if you moved in here with someone, you better make sure you’re 110% sure about them, because there are no walls to partition off the sound of them droning on about fantasy football or the Federal Reserve Bank or whatever. There’s a large dining room area, as well as a breakfast nook, and there are massive floor-to-ceiling windows around the perimeter of the house; when I left the open house, I seriously considered telling the agent goodbye, and then getting a running start and diving headfirst through one of them. Like the rest of the house, the kitchen is sleek and white and smooth, like a dentist’s office in a futuristic porno. All clean lines and monochromatic. There aren’t even any handles or protuberances of any kind on the cabinets, which means some night when you’re high you could very well rip a wall panel out because you were sure it was the snacks cupboard. Even the appliances are embedded in the walls and counters, making for a weirdly frictionless, aerodynamic space.
Upstairs, the master bedroom takes a similarly minimalist approach; it’s just a huge, loft-like room. I wish this was more common; most master bedrooms tack on bay windows and dressing partitions and sitting areas, and it just makes the room seem smaller. This room seemed massive, like an airplane hangar or something. The master bath sports marble floors, a soaking tub, a glass-walled shower, and twin basins; as in the rest of the house, there’s not a handle or ornament to be found anywhere. Your parents are going to be so confused when they visit. Outside, there’s a sprawling slate terrace for a table and patio chairs; on one hand, having slate instead of grass will keep the mosquitoes down. On the other hand, I can perfectly imagine your friend’s toddler running across the terrace, slipping, and his head bonking off the slate with a sound like a cantaloupe thrown from a speeding car. I don’t know, it’s just awfully hard. There’s also a grass side yard, so if you want to get an impromptu game of croquet together, you could do that, though I’m warning you right now, if you post any photos of you and your friends on social media posing ironic-dandy-style with croquet mallets over your shoulders, I’m going to block you.
3615 Upton Street NW
6 Bedrooms, 5.5 Baths
Photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy TTR Sotheby’s Int’l Realty, 202-234-3344