This stunning farmhouse is the Uber Black to the DC rowhouse’s Uber X; pretty much the same thing, except better in every way. (And much more expensive.) Just look at the photos of the living room; if you crammed that much furniture into a typical rowhouse’s living room, people couldn’t even sit down without everyone’s knees brushing up against everyone else’s, which would make for a weirdly sensual evening of bible study. I mean, they’ve got a grand piano in the entryway. That’s the square footage equivalent of lighting your cigar with a hundred dollar bill.
The living room also features an antique fireplace, which you could remove with crowbars and a jackhammer and sell for several hundred dollars if you ever get really hard up for cash, and two walls of oversized windows, so you’ll either have to either keep the curtains drawn at all times, or prepare to keep up a silent never-ending pantomime of normalcy for the neighbors. There’s really no middle ground. The dining room is one of the most charming rooms I’ve seen in quite a while, with louvered ceilings and salmon-ish pink walls. Pink is a calming color, according to science, which could come in handy when you bring out a dish you spent three hours on and your significant other puts salt on it before they even taste it. (A flip-the-table-over-and-storm-out offense, in my opinion.) The kitchen is charming too, with good light, lots of room, and the sleek cabinetry and marble counters I’ve come to expect in a certain type of kitchen, i.e. one that’s at least two full income brackets higher than mine. The thing I like about this kitchen is that it doesn’t have a ton of counter space. I mean, it has a fine amount of counter space; it has adequate counter space. But it doesn’t overdo it. A lot of places now offer acres and acres of counter space, on the assumption that more is necessarily better, but really, counter space is like money; however much they give you, you’re going to find a way to use all of it. My girlfriend has a ton of counter space, and even if we just make canned soup, we end up with dishes and crumpled paper towels strewn over every part of the counter. It’s just human nature. This kitchen, I think, has what I’ve come to believe is the perfect amount of counter space. Enough, but not so much that it invites excess.
The bedrooms are all bright and spacious and idiosyncratic, too, thanks to the slope of the roof. An especially lovely surprise was the attic, which is outfitted as essentially a separate apartment, with a bedroom, living area, and small office area. Your 25 year old can live up there in relative peace while they try to get their “online marketing” business off the ground. (Spoiler alert: there’s no business, your child sells weed.) Come to think of it, the basement is also a fully finished apartment. Which means you could potentially have two adult children living with you at the same time. I suppose from a certain perspective this could seem like some sort of failure, but I prefer to look on the bright side; with ready-made places for your future adult children to live, why stress about trying to be a good parent? Go ahead and skip all the parent-teacher conferences and sports games; worst case scenario, they won’t be homeless, and you’ll never have to mow your own lawn. It’s a win-win. Also, the house is in Observatory Circle, which means that you’ll be living near the Vice President’s house, which means that you’ll always have a bulletproof excuse for being late to work, social events, anything. “Sorry, got held up again by the Vice President’s motorcade.” That alone is worth the price of the house.
3807 Fulton Street NW
5 Bedrooms, 5 Baths
All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy Long & Foster, 202-737-1727