The future has officially arrived! And it’s small. It is, however, exquisitely designed. That’s the trade-off, I guess. Makes sense; craftsmanship generally goes down the bigger a place gets. Have you ever toured one of those huge McMansions in the suburbs where it’s clear the contractor just went to Home Depot and got the cheapest option for every single part of the house? It’s like living in a $19 IKEA bookshelf. You go in the sixth bedroom and there’s always a hole in the wall with wires coming out of it. “What’s that, is that dangerous?” “Oh, they just need to come in and cap it off, it’s not – STOP DON’T TOUCH THAT!!”
That won’t be a problem in this place, mostly because it doesn’t have a sixth bedroom. It’s doesn’t even have a single bedroom. It’s just the one room. This would be a great place for you if you just bought that Marie Kondo book everyone is talking about, and threw out 90% of your stuff. I have a friend who really got into “decluttering” and now lives with just five hangers of clothes, a cot, a small shelf of maybe ten books, and a tablet. That’s it. It seemed sad to me, the first time I saw his living space, but then I went home to my apartment where half my kitchen storage space is stuffed full of balled-up plastic shopping bags that some weird part of my brain is absolutely convinced will be useful – nay, vital! – someday. It’s like, the people who most need to declutter are the people who are least able to declutter. Living in a place like this would force you to purge, though, and I think that’s one of the main upsides. Another, of course, is that it’s cheap. Not cheap like a styrofoam cooler you buy and then leave at the beach, but cheap for a house in DC. When your friends are staring down the second decade of their mortgages, you’ll have this place all paid off and will be spending your plentiful disposable income on three-week Australian wine tours and customized neon-lit license plate frames. If that doesn’t sell you, I don’t know what will.
You won’t need to bring a bed; there’s a built-in one here, sort of a hypermodern version of a murphy bed. I think beds are an unjustifiable waste of space, so I’m really into this. If I was looking to buy, the hideaway bed alone would sell me. There are plenty of other cool features too; a Kevo lock, a Nest thermostat. The Nest thermostat actually connects to your phone over wi-fi and “learns” your schedule and preferences. It’s like having a nosy password-stealing significant other, but minus all the shouting matches. There’s also storage secreted around the unit, so even if you failed at decluttering, you can still bring a surprising amount of your valuable belongings (plastic bags).
This unit (like all the units in the building) has a “European-style” kitchen, which means the appliances will pretend not to understand your perfectly adequate French and then make disparaging remarks about your shoes. No, but seriously, I guess in this context, “European-style” means that there’s no wood grain or stainless steel (gasp!); the aesthetic here is generally minimal and monochromatic. It’s a good look. It’s like a kitchen you’d see on a spaceship in a science fiction movie from the Seventies. There’s also a private patio, which is pretty awesome; not a lot of micro-units come with outdoor space. It’s going to be nice to relax out there and maybe chitchat with the other tenants to see whose lifestyle is more minimalistic. (“You still wear the same shirt and pants every day? I’ve moved onto a single black unitard.”)
And finally, this place also comes with private assigned rooftop deck space for each tenant, which I think should be the new norm for roof decks. I mean, I’ve had many friends who live in nice buildings invite me over to use their rooftop pool and/or deck, and every single time I’ve gone, there’s some guy unironically wearing stars-and-stripes board shorts loud-talking about “disrupting an industry” or something, and I have to turn right around and leave. I’d much rather have private roof deck cubicles where I can relax by myself. Naked. Yeah, I’d be naked in my private roof deck cubicle, because really, why not?
2422 17th Street NW #106
0 bedrooms, 1 Bath