Have you ever gone to the bar with a friend who’s so good-looking that they soak up all the attention, leaving you sitting off to the side wondering why you even bothered to change out of your trash-bag poncho? On the surface, you were probably like, “no, it’s totally cool, everyone has different things going for them, they may be physically perfect but I’m pretty darn good at crossword puzzles!” Deep down, though, you were hoping they’d choke on a toothpick. That’s how this house is probably going to make your neighbors feel. It’s just so sleek and modern that it makes the rest of the block look homely. Don’t be surprised if your neighbors buy a crate of termites off the internet and release them into your foundation in the middle of the night.
But yeah, look at that facade. It’s like an iPhone in a row of old Nokias. Inside, the place is no less impressive. It’s a long, open loft-like living space; I often say a living room has floor-to-ceiling windows, but guess what – I was lying all those other times. Sue me. This place is the first one that actually literally has windows that fully go from floor to ceiling. If you have kids, just know there’s like a 75% chance that one day they’re going to be running in the living room, trip on a Lego, and pitch headfirst through a window and into the street. If I were you I’d put a stack of old mattresses out front. The kitchen, like every part of the house, is exquisitely designed, with flat white paneling everywhere like the set of a Stanley Kubrick film and concealed lighting that suffuses the room with an enveloping white glow like how I imagine the interrogation room they take you to if you get caught trying to take liquids or gels through airport security. There are white Corian counters (with waterfall edges) and stainless steel appliances; the range is even integrated into the counter, saving space but dramatically increasing the odds of a fire if you come home drunk, put a pizza in the oven, and pass out drunk. (Pretty sure I’ve done that more than once in the same week.)
The dining room area is off the kitchen and nicely lit by another wall of floor-to-ceiling windows. “This burrata is excellent, don’t you think? Oh also, the old guy across the alley is looking at us through his telescope again.” The staircase leading to the second level is walled off by glass, so invest in plenty of pre-moistened dust wipes. Upstairs, the master bedroom is a huge white cube with more square-shaped floor-to-ceiling windows. If this was my room I’d literally be praying every day for my girlfriend to have an affair with my best friend, or someone to rip me off for millions of dollars, so I could dramatically fling a lamp through the glass. The master bath is a masterpiece of minimalism, with a glass-walled shower, quartz basins, and an LED-backlit mirror, which is pretty cool because it’s the softest, most forgiving light, and who wants harsh overhead incandescence making your face look like a day-old porkchop.
Up top is an awesome roof deck with cedar plank flooring and views of the entire neighborhood. A lot of these roof decks are sort of an afterthought, and sized accordingly; some of them are more like crow’s nests than actual decks. This one is legitimately huge, though; you could fit a full bedroom room set out here, with room to spare. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s kind of strange that more people don’t sleep on their roof decks; even in the worst part of summer, it’s pretty cool out here, and mosquitoes don’t fly this high up. But what do I know, maybe there are a lot of people sleeping out on their roof decks in the summer? I’ll start shouting incoherently when I leave the bar at 2am on weeknights, and report back on how many people scream down for me to shut up.
1202 T Street NW #2
2 Bedrooms, 2.5 Baths
All photos courtesy MRIS; listing courtesy of Miriam Fernandez, McWilliams/Ballard Inc, 703 535 5500