Satisfaction is so much a function of expectations; it’s why a beautiful $5 million mansion always has me passive-aggressively nitpicking (“Are these door handles solid gold or just gold plated? Hmph.”) but a one bedroom for $199K has me ecstatically group-texting my friends that they need to buy this place RIGHT NOW. (“omg it has a closet!!!!! with a shelf!!!!!!!”)
But all relativity aside, this place is still pretty great. It’s the perfect apartment if you’ve always wanted to live in a New York-style artist’s loft, but you work in Marketing and your mother visits twice a year from Wichita. I’ve never seen a one bedroom that was this open. It’s huge. I actually don’t even know how you’d use this much space. I guess you could become a hoarder and start stacking bales of damp newspapers along the walls? The far part of the L-shaped space is nicely proportioned for a sitting room area, which is what they have it set up as now, with a big television and a bulky sofa stuck in there with plenty of room to spare. If you went with something sleeker, the space would seem larger still. There’s also the wall of windows there, so you’ll get plenty of natural light and, in the event that your significant other ever walks in and says the words, “you left your phone unlocked and I looked through it,” you can immediately get a running start and dive headfirst through the glass.
The kitchen is long and, like the rest of the place, surprisingly large. There’s plenty of room for your significant other to lean against the wall, drinking a glass of wine, while you cook dinner, and offer unsolicited commentary like, “you’re not going to saute the garlic any more than that? Oh well, flavor is overrated anyway.” So yeah, maybe you should put up some really bulky shelves or something so there’s only room for one person in here. Also, there’s a massive amount of counterspace and stainless steel appliances.
The bedroom is a legitimately large, bright bedroom. I’m usually curmudgeonly insisting that people who live in one-bedrooms should have twin beds or cots, since a stupidly large bed is the number one way people make their living spaces look horribly cramped, but this room is big enough that you should go ahead and get a California King. Heck, get two – you’ve earned it! (Probably not true, but whatever – life is meaningless and brutal, buy two beds if you want to.)
But yeah, the main advantage of a place like this is, obviously, the price. For under $200K, this place represents freedom – freedom from a crippling mortgage payment, freedom from having to stay at a hateful job to fund the mortgage payment, freedom from having to check like thirty-five rooms and closets for hiding burglars when you come home high, etc. It’s like you’re getting all the advantages of renting and none of the drawbacks of owning. And these advantages far outweigh the potential drawbacks. One is the location; it’s pretty far out there, but whatever. Buy a bike. The other potential drawback is the building: it’s huge. I mean, it’s nice, but it’s massive. It’s like a government building from the Seventies or a suburban high school or something. You know that rule that if you get more than twenty people in a room, two of them are guaranteed to have the same birthday? I have a similar rule about huge buildings: over fifty units and there’s guaranteed to be a ghost on the premises. Obviously this isn’t scientifically provable but come on, just think about the breadth of human experiences that have taken place in a building this size. The ghost might even live in this unit! Imagine how cool it would be to experience a real life ghost. I’d have so many questions. What’s it like not having a body? Can you eat anything you want with no worries about your figure? If yes, what are you even doing right now, rattling these bloody chains over my bed in the middle of the night? You should be at a chinese buffet eating your eleventh plate of sweet and sour chicken. Stupid ghost.
6445 Luzon Avenue NW #503
1 Bedroom, 1 Bath
All photos courtesy MRIS, listing courtesy of Keller Williams Capital Properties, 202-243-7700