This fine Federal townhouse is the embodiment of everything you think of when you think about an expensive semi-historical Georgetown home. It’s like a wealthy guy unironically wearing a top hat and a monocle, or a redneck with a mullet and a sleeveless flannel shirt on. You think these things are common, but they’re actually few and far between. Cherish them. (The mullet especially.)
But yeah, this place is as nice as it looks, and then some – it even has a Hugh Newell Jacobsen addition. (If you just raised your eyebrows knowingly, you’re either an architecture nerd or a dirty dirty liar.) Look him up on Wikipedia, he’s sort of a big deal. If I were you, I’d print out copies of his Wikipedia page and leave the printouts around the house, so when you tell guests that you have a Hugh Newell Jacobsen addition, there’s no confusion about the appropriate level of impressed-ness they should exhibit. You enter into a long foyer, which leads to the great room, which features a black stone fireplace and three sliding glass doors (or are they floor-to-ceiling windows?) that you should probably leave dirty, otherwise I guarantee you’ll end up walking into one face-first and breaking your nose. The dining room is spacious and has a row of medium-sized windows relatively high up on the wall; if you see a peeping tom’s face appear above the sill, start freaking out, because he’s like seven feet tall. The gourmet kitchen is truly one of a kind, which is saying a lot in this era of kitchen fetishization. With its translucent cupboards and rich wood paneling, you get sort of a retrofuturistic “this is what people in the Sixties thought the Nineties would look like” vibe. My only nitpick is all those protruding metal handles; aesthetically, they’re solid, but at least twice a week everyone in the house is going to jolt upright at the sound of your bloodcurdling shriek after you walk into one of them.
The master bedroom sports three large geometrically-shaped windows – a circle flanked by two squares. The effect is like you’re inside a huge Playskool shape-matching toy for toddlers. Every time you get high in here you’re going to be worried about a massive child’s hand pushing plastic cylinders and cubes through your windows. Further on, there’s a master closet that would hold everything. Like literally every single item of clothing on earth. And the master bath is one of the best bathrooms you’ll ever see – from the huge skylight to the clawfoot-style soaking tub to the double basins and double shower. Yeah, there’s a double shower, a huge rectangular glass-walled shower with two rainfall showerheads and two sets of controls. Is this the greatest idea ever or the worst? I’m not sure. I’m all for two people showering together for “recreational” purposes, but this isn’t that sort of thing – if it was, there’d only be one showerhead. This is for two people to shower simultaneously, but separately. Lathering yourself up with businesslike efficiency while, a few feet away, the other person does the same, possibly while reading a waterproofed copy of “The Economist.” This really depresses me for some reason, and makes me think back to this one time when an ex and I shared the shower one morning because we were both late, and afterwards, my ex looked at me and was like, “that was the first time we’ve ever taken a shower together and not had sex.” And it was a horrible “the magic is gone” moment, and soon after we broke up. The moral of the story is, the domestic banality of chaste shared showering will murder your relationship.
The roof is a sweet wooden deck, perfect for lounging or for shooting bottle rockets at your neighbor’s Hummer. The walkout lower level is an awesome rec room that opens onto the patio-slash-backyard, which is legitimately national-park-quality. It’s huge, and landscaped in such a way that it doesn’t seem “manicured” (any yard that’s described as “manicured” is going to be annoying), but it’s still nicely shaped. There’s even a small pond back there, which is not really good for much, but is still kind of cool to have. My parents have a pond at their country house and the pride in their voices when they talk about it is striking. It’s sort of like how they talk about me, but the exact opposite.
3322 P Street NW
5 Bedrooms, 4.5 Baths $3,495,000