In Japan, no one will live in a house that’s already been lived in by someone else; they buy a place, tear it down, and then build a new house on the spot. This sounds kind of weird to Americans, since rich people who live in, like, Georgetown are always bragging about how their houses were built the year before Columbus landed or whatever. But if you really think about it, old houses may not be all they’re cracked up to be, and I’m not even talking about lead paint, asbestos, etc. I mean, think about when you see an antique rowhouse with “original hardwood floors.” Have you ever walked around your apartment for half a day with no socks on? You remember how filthy the bottoms of your feet got? Those hardwood floors are like that, times one hundred years. The thing that makes them shiny is the same thing that makes your hair shiny if you don’t wash it for a week and a half. And we haven’t even gotten to the big questions yet, like “what happened to an odor that you can’t smell anymore?” The implications for bathrooms are staggering.
Yeah, but anyway, this massive, modern home was just built last year, so you don’t have to worry about any of that. It’s even still got that “new house smell,” which is like the new car smell, but with undertones of the fake chocolate chip cookie spray that agents spritz around to make houses seem more “homey.” It was designed by Chryssa Wolfe & Hanlon Design, so you know it’s swank. (I don’t actually know anything about those designers, but the fact that they put it prominently on the brochure must mean something.) You enter into a spacious foyer, with built-ins so you can display stuff to your guests. I don’t know what – printouts of especially clever texts you sent? Your framed bank statements? No idea. Through there is the massive living room, complete with louvered ceiling, and the dining room, which sports a one-of-a-kind spherical chandelier that looks like a disco ball from the Seventies. It’s perfect if you want to occasionally share a moment of nostalgic complicity with your significant other across the table, but you can’t say the words “whew, remember those key parties we used to throw?” out loud because your grandchildren are eating chicken nuggets right next to you.
The all-white eat-in kitchen has white appliances instead of the ubiquitous stainless steel, which I wholeheartedly support. Stainless steel appliances are like the cowboy shirts of the kitchen world; it’s definitely time to move on. To head upstairs, we could take the boring old stairs or the ELEVATOR. This isn’t one of those cranky old elevators where a cable or a gear could break and strand you inside, between floors, to starve to death; no, this is a cutting-edge electronic elevator, where a lightning strike could fry a microchip and strand you inside, between floors, to starve to death. Such is progress. (No seriously though, having an elevator in your house is really cool. No one at the bar will ever be able to say no to “would you like to come to my house and ride up and down in my elevator?”) On the second level, the master bedroom has a large porch overlooking the backyard, and the master bath has a glass-walled marble shower and a soaking tub so absurdly large that you’re going to look like one of those puppies taking a bath in the kitchen sink in the Facebook videos your aunt constantly posts.
The lower level is fully finished into a sort of media room, or a rec room, or possibly a “man cave,” depending on how hilarious you think the comedy of Tim Allen is. There’s also a wine room, where you can store hundreds of bottles of rotten grape juice. (I love wine, but that’s what it is. Just admit it.) Oh and the house is heated using geothermal energy, which I think means there’s a shaft drilled from under your house directly to the molten center of the earth. One night when you’re really high, you should tear the basement apart trying to find the entrance to the tunnel! Finally, out back is a wonderful walled yard, with a stone patio. There’s also a fountain, a built-in grill, and an outdoor fireplace; that’s three places to fling your significant other’s phone into if they start looking at Facebook while you’re talking about the Powerpoint presentation you gave at the big meeting.
4431 Klingle Street NW
6 Bedrooms, 5.5 Baths
Sales by Washington Fine Properties
Photos courtesy of MRIS