Did you know that most of the really expensive listings in the District don’t have open houses? If you want to check them out, you have to make an appointment for a private viewing, and even then, if you show up wearing your usual outfit of Adidas shower shoes and a t-shirt you got for free at your company’s weekend ropes course, the agent will probably be like, “hold on a second, I forgot something in my car,” and then just drive back to the office. Bottom line, it’s hard to get a close-up look at these places. Unless you win the lottery, these photos are probably the closest you’re going to get, so, you know, enjoy, and try not to throw your laptop through the window when you realize you should’ve studied Finance in college instead of Comparative Literature.
3150 South Street NW Penthouse 2A
4 Bedrooms, 6 Baths
This fine property – the most expensive on the market right now – is a penthouse in the Ritz-Carlton Residences in Georgetown. That’s right, it’ll cost you $14 mil to live in a hotel. (Plus $9255 in monthly HOA fees.) It’s going to take a lot of 5AM room service cheeseburgers and Shirley Temples to make that worth it. I have faith that you’ll be able to do it, though. *Mimes puffing on a joint*
I like this all-white cavernous living room; it’s kind of like if Martha Stewart did the set design for a remake of “2001: A Space Odyssey.” Note that every single thing in this room is recessed: lights, television, fireplace. I blame the iPhone for this.
Why do rich people always have pianos? They don’t play them, and pianos aren’t expensive enough to be a real status item. What’s the message here: “we can afford professional movers”? I guess when you’re rich, you just buy lots of stuff. I openly admit, if I had millions, I’d own so much corny stuff. I’d have a fireman’s pole, one of those big antique globes that opens up to reveal a bar, fog machines going 24/7. Man, I’m glad I’m not rich, I’d be unbearable!
This place is big on “views” – the listing is chocked full of photos of various panoramas, taken from the penthouse’s many terraces. I wouldn’t even know what to say as I took in this view. “Oh yeah, I went there once, everyone was wearing pastel colors, and asked for ‘extra whip’ at Starbucks.”
This kitchen definitely has it all. Those drawers look large enough to be those pull-out slabs they have in morgues. And that commercial-grade chef’s range! You have no idea how much heat one of those babies can blast out. On a normal range, it would take you ten, fifteen minutes to ruin dinner, but on one of these, you can render everything inedible in three minutes, tops. Make sure you take the batteries out of your smoke alarm first.
Another view, this time of Georgetown University. Again, this terrace is obviously really nice but, you know, it’s not exactly the Grand Canyon. “Look honey, on a clear night you can see all the future patent lawyers and Department of Agriculture undersecretaries!”
You’ve heard of the corner office; this is the corner bedroom. Also, if someone opened all those drapes on a sunny morning while you were still sleeping, I’m pretty sure anything you did after that would fall under the umbrella of “justifiable homicide.”
This is the changing room area, right off the master bedroom. Yes, that’s an espresso machine built into the wall there. Matching your socks, belt, and pocket square will be so much easier after a double shot of espresso, assuming you don’t blast yourself in the face with red-hot steam while trying to figure out the machine. But hey, considering the money you’re already dropping, you might as well hire a barista just to hang out in your walk-in closet area every morning, in case you want a coffee drink.
I like that this shower has a little marble “modesty wall.” The all-glass showers always make me want to wear swim trunks while I bathe. Oh, and hey, does that sculpture come with the place? It does? Can it not?
That’s right, there’s a full gym right in your home. Hey, why go to a public gym where you can simultaneously check out attractive strangers in skintight clothes and be subtly peer-pressured into putting forth a respectable effort, when you can stay home and look at your phone while sitting on an exercise bike without even pedaling?
On the very top level is yet another beautiful terrace, this one with monument views. There’s also a wet bar; how many drinks before you’re trying to see if you can hit the Kennedy Center with a shot from your potato cannon? No more than three, I’d bet.
Sales by TTR Sotheby’s
Photos courtesy of MRIS