You know how billionaires always dress like teenagers or homeless people, because they’re worth billions of dollars and literally couldn’t care less what you think about them? This house is like that billionaire. It knows its worth and it’s confident. No flashy gables or eaves or columns begging to be noticed or liked, just a flat-faced brick monolith containing 4600 square feet of space spread over four levels. Oh, and an elevator. There’s even a phone in it – an elevator phone! – which I thought was pretty cool, until I realized it’s only in there so you can call for help if the elevator breaks down between levels. Pay your phone bill or there’s a chance you’re going to starve to death in this tiny tin closet.
The interior is pretty much as straightforward as the exterior; there’s a lot of open space inside, lots of windows. You enter into a foyer and from there you can see all the way through the house, and into the backyard. The living room is huge (“embassy-sized,” according to the brochure) and comes equipped with a wet bar, so you can come home at night, kick back, and have every last memory of your day erased by like 7:30. There’s also track lighting throughout the main level, which is looking quite fresh and edgy these days; they’re like the Seinfeld jeans of light fixtures. The chef’s kitchen has a long, oversized marble countertop, and stainless steel appliances, including a range with six burners. If you think Hummers are cool, you’ll love this stove. There’s also that strange black pole going from the corner of the counter up to the ceiling. If I moved in here, the first thing I’d do was take a sledgehammer and get that pole out of there, even if it’s load-bearing and would subsequently collapse the entire house. Oh, and there’s a wine fridge too. (This is a good house to buy if you like to drink.)
Upstairs, there’s a formal office for when you need to get some work done at home, or when you and your significant other want to draft a formal, legally binding contract specifying that if you do that one sex thing that they like, then they’re obligated to then do that one sex thing that you like, or else they could go to jail for up to 30 days and pay a $5000 fine. The master bedroom features balcony access and cathedral views, which is pretty much the same thing as “monument views,” except slightly more of a conversation killer at dinner parties. The other bedrooms in this house are also pretty spectacular, so there’s less of a “superiority factor” that goes with the master bedroom than in some houses. Just in case your family forgets who the “top dog” is, maybe on random days you should wear specially-tailored shirts with perforated seams, and then in the middle of breakfast, tear it off your body and then flip the whole table over! That’ll show them.
The lower level is a family room that opens onto the back patio and garden, which features professional landscaping, including ponds. Yes, ponds, plural. There are even fish in one of them, in case you’re drunk one night and feeling too lazy to go get takeout. (But somehow motivated to catch and cook a fish.) Man, you could potentially have your own private elevator AND ponds. That’s, like, Tony Montana territory you’re entering. And look how nice everything turned out for him!
3541 Ordway Street NW
5 Bedrooms, 5 Baths
Listed by Washington Fine Properties, LLC
Photos courtesy of MRIS