A lot of people I know would like to buy a house, but they assume it’s out of the question because they don’t have a million dollars. (Part of this is probably financial illiteracy; after all, not even the people who buy million dollar houses actually have a million dollars.) But still, these days all you hear about is how fast the market is rising, how $2 million is the new benchmark, how even a near-incomprehensible sum like $1 million now qualifies as “cheap.”
Thing is, there are inexpensive places for sale in the District, you just don’t hear about them. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s a conspiracy. (Everything is a conspiracy these days.) And when I say cheap, I don’t mean something ridiculous like, “a bargain at only $849,900!” I mean actually, literally cheap – some of these places have five figure price tags! So I’m going to do my civic duty, and highlight, from time to time, one of these reasonably priced properties, if only so my friends will stop whining about how they can’t afford to buy.
Whoa – you could be getting this place for a thousand dollars a month, total. I know people who rent out tiny rooms in filthy loud group houses for a thousand dollars a month. You know what home ownership at the measly price of a thousand dollars a month is? It’s freedom, that’s what. Have you ever worked with someone before and after they take on a huge mortgage? Your formerly carefree coworker, who used to get you drunk at lunch, disrupt meetings by simulating bodily emissions, and organize a weekly office chair demolition derby, suddenly becomes, after buying his “dream home,” a cringing, eager, deadly serious employee who’s the last to leave every night and starts taking credit for everybody else’s work. And who can blame him? If he loses that job, he’s facing utter financial ruin and homelessness. But you, if you bought this place? Who cares if you lose your job? You could show up in a bathrobe and slippers every day. Unemployment would cover this mortgage. Think about that. Freedom. God bless it.
You thought it was going to be a studio, didn’t you? Well, you were wrong. This is a legit one bedroom. This is the living room. It’s a room. There’s not much to say about it. It’s perfectly adequate. This is all you need. One room. I don’t understand all those houses that have a family room, a living room, and a sitting room. Are the people who live in those places able to split themselves into three identical astral beings so they can use every room simultaneously? Is that why people go to yoga? Are you learning to split yourself into multiple astral projections of yourself that can be everywhere at once? I thought it was just fancy stretching.
Here’s the kitchen. It’s not a chef’s kitchen, no, but you’re not a chef. Civilians with chef’s kitchens are like my weird uncle who wears a metal badge that says “Law Officer” on it, that he ordered from the back of a magazine, and wears a dark blue outfit every day that looks like a police uniform but isn’t, in actuality, a police uniform. Kind of sad, isn’t it? Besides, this kitchen has everything you need. Remember that time you used more than four stove burners at the same time? Of course you don’t, because no one in the history of Western civilization has ever needed more than four stove burners at one time.
Here’s the bedroom. This is a large bedroom, especially when you consider the price. They didn’t even need to use the old “mirror against the wall” trick to make it look bigger. I guess they couldn’t resist. Hey look, in the corner, is that an entrance to a whole other space? Whoa! No wait, it’s just a mirror leaning against the wall. Almost got me! Ha ha!
Also, I just want to mention that I’ve always wanted a ceiling fan but have never lived in a room with a ceiling fan. Lucky you.
Ah yes, the bathroom. In New York, this is the bathroom of someone who makes, like, $350,000 a year. I don’t want to hear any complaints about this bathroom. I will literally put my hands over my ears if I hear you start to complain about this bathroom. What do you want from a bathroom that isn’t in this picture? One of those ornate marble showers with glass walls? Who are you, Sigfried and Roy?