I definitely had “a moment” when I laid eyes on this house. I always joke, when I look at especially charming places, about hiding in the closet and then squatting in the place, but this is the first time I went home and actually googled “how to steal a house.” (It’s actually not that hard, and mostly involves forging a notary public’s signature on certain documents. I’m filing that info under “Stuff to Try Next Time I’m Unemployed.”) Seriously though, this Mediterranean is unlike any other house you’ll see in DC. It has a salmon stucco exterior, and peeks out from behind lush greenery like that guy who used to lurk outside my sister’s window until my dad threw a knife at him that one time. (True story.)
Inside, there are flagstone floors, which is a nice change from the hardwood floors you see in every single house nowadays, though I have to admit that whenever I see stone floors, all I can think is that if you slipped and fell, your skull would be like a watermelon dropped from a helicopter. Maybe put down some rugs or something. There’s a huge dining room with French doors, a lavish chandelier, and salmon-colored walls; according to psychologists, the color salmon is calming, so when your significant other remarks that your marinara tastes like ketchup with black pepper in it, you’ll be able to restrain yourself from throwing the entire pot of hot sauce on them in favor of getting revenge later.
The awesome living room has two-story ceilings as well as extra-tall windows, so it feels huge. Overlooking the room is a lofted catwalk of bookshelves; I’ve never seen this sort of thing before but I loved it. If I lived here, I’d constantly be going up there, choosing a random book, and reading a passage aloud in a stilted British accent until everyone downstairs got up and left the room. There’s also a beautiful marble fireplace, as well as more French doors leading to the patio. Upstairs, the master bedroom has a literal wall of windows. A lot of places like to say they have a “wall of windows,” when in fact it’s just a regular wall with a slightly larger set of windows in it, but there’s literally no wall here. Just windows. Obviously, the upside is that you’re going to get a ton of light, though the downside is that anytime you walk around naked, you’re going to have random microsurges of panic when you suddenly think, “wait a second, did I forget to draw the blinds?!” and then turn to look so violently that you give yourself whiplash. I feel like I’ve had that dream many times. There’s also a private balcony that’s perfect for a summer breakfast or having a nighttime smoke or just sitting with your head in your hands and thinking about how you’re going to tell your significant other that you’re leaving them for an intern named “Nevaeh.”
Off the master bedroom is a cozy little dressing room, complete with professional-grade lighting that will show in pitiless detail why all that tanning you did in your twenties was such a terrible idea. Upstairs are the other bedrooms and a warren of spaces you could use for offices or storage or whatever. And out back is one of the finest fenced-in gardens you’ll ever see, with a sheltered flagstone patio, mature trees, paths, and even a hammock. Have a party back here and the members of your social circle will soon thereafter begin to freeze you out, out of pure envy, which is basically the highest level of win achievable in life.
3321 Garfield Street NW
3 Bedrooms, 3 Baths$1,849,000
Listed by Washington Fine Properties, LLC.
Photos courtesy of MRIS