Did you know that LeDroit Park used to be a gated community? It makes sense, when you look at some of the fantastic houses here; this neighborhood is clearly a cut above the surrounding neighborhoods. If LeDroit is Alec Baldwin, Shaw is like the sweaty overweight Baldwin brother who wears orange cargo pants to awards shows, and U Street is the skinny, rodent-like Baldwin who used to play “sexy” roles all the time and then disappeared off the face of the earth. But yeah. (LeDroit became un-gated when Howard University students physically tore down the fences around the neighborhood in protest of its whites-only policy.)
Questionable provenance aside, this house is one of the finest in a neighborhood of pretty much universally excellent houses. Though I should also say that you can buy many houses exactly like this for $25K each in my tiny Midwestern hometown, the only catch being that you then have to live there. The last time I visited my parents, they took me to the new “steakhouse” that had just opened, and it turned out to be set up so you took a plate down this prison-like cafeteria line, and there was a guy standing in front of a steam tray piled high with like three dozen identical pre-cooked steaks, and he’d use a pair of tongs to grab one and toss it onto your plate. Then you’d go sit down and eat your steak. There were several dates in progress at nearby tables. So when you think about it like that, $2 million doesn’t seem so expensive, does it?
This brick Colonial sits on a huge corner lot; there’s a spacious yard and a large porch perfect for sitting out on a summer night, wondering which of the sixty mosquitoes currently circling your ankles is going to be the one that gives you the Zika virus. Inside, you enter into a large foyer, and everywhere you look, there’s rich, burnished woodwork. I’ve literally never seen a house with this much antique woodwork inside. Maybe you have, but even if you tried to tell me, “yeah, I was in this house once that had WAY more woodwork than this,” I’d just nod and smile with just my mouth, and then after you left, I’d turn to my friend and be like, “what a liar, he must have deep-seated emotional problems to lie about something as insignificant as woodwork.” There are three living room areas, which could come in handy if everyone in your family hates everyone else; these rooms are large and full of light, and outfitted with antique fireplaces and fantastic, filigreed old-timey radiators that probably belong in a radiator museum. There’s a large dining room, too, with its own fireplace. (I wonder how much of the sheen of old woodwork is caused by emissions from the inevitable fireplaces nearby?)
The kitchen features a long marble island and stainless steel appliances, and adjacent to that is a wonderful sun room, which is the sort of thing that sounds fantastic but always ends up being used for exercise equipment storage. Upstairs there are five, yes, five bedrooms, so keep on reproducing! The master bedroom is painted a rich scarlet; it’s like a cross between an Elizabethan royal bedroom and the special chamber where Wiccans do their chants and stuff. I actually liked it quite a bit; white rooms are getting boring, aren’t they? Upstairs, the attic is fully finished, and the basement is a standalone apartment with its own entrance and a legit certificate of occupancy. It’s also one of the nicer basement apartments you’ll see in the District, with lots of light (relatively, at least) and space. I would only be mildly depressed if I lived here, whereas with most basement apartments, I’d be giving myself late-night haircuts and rereading Schopenhauer within a week. Finally, out back there’s parking for two cars. It seems like kind of a waste to me, using all that prime backyard space for parking when you can just circle the area for ten or fifteen minutes and park on the street, but then what do I know? I’m so lazy that the other morning when my iPhone alarm went off in the next room, I laid there with a pillow over my head until the phone’s battery ran out instead of just getting up and turning it off. Ha ha! Something’s wrong with me.
330 T Street NW
5 Bedrooms, 3 Baths