I went to open houses on Valentine’s Day, and I was surprised at how many couples I saw. I assumed all the couples would be at home, separately depilating their bodies in preparation for that night, but instead here they were, examining wainscoting and collecting informational brochures. I guess it makes sense though – in the long run, making a million dollars on a savvy investment is probably sexier than candlelight and a box of Ferrero Rocher. (That being said, if you catch me at the right moment, I’d definitely take a box of Ferrero Rocher over a surefire million-dollar investment, and I’m not even ashamed.)
I’m not sure how long it would take to make a million dollar profit from this one-of-a-kind Georgetown home; probably quite a few years, since homes in this part of town tend to have plateaued pretty high already. This one’s no exception at $3.4 million, though I guess the point of buying a $3.4 million home isn’t as an investment, but just to be able to drop into conversations the fact that you live in a $3.4 million home. In this case, a $3.4 million home that looks like a cross between a Swiss mountain chalet and Bilbo Baggins’ hobbit hole. Which I mean as a compliment. This is actually one of the most unique homes in Georgetown, and was totally renovated in 2012. Inside, it’s ridiculously large and open, with an amphitheater-like living room, and a warm, homey vibe thanks to a ton of rich dark woodwork and over-sized windows. There’s even a second-floor overlook so when you have a dinner party, you can announce that you and your significant other are separating because you hacked their computer and found all their online dating accounts. (Bonus points if your significant other’s boss is at the party!) The kitchen is large and bright, with marble counters, fine wood cabinetry, and stainless steel appliances; even your friends who secretly hate you won’t be able to say anything bad about it. (They’ll have to take the “they don’t deserve that kitchen, that kitchen is way too nice for them” angle.)
Upstairs, the master bedroom is wide and roomy, the walls painted a pleasant sky blue color, and the master bath is outfitted with only the finest finishes. There are twin basins, a massive soaking tub, a quirky wood-paneled ceiling, and a glass-walled shower. There’s also a clear glass door in front of the toilet. Never seen this before and I have no idea why it’s there; it’s weird, but putting glass up like this basically turns sitting on the toilet from a relaxing act into an act of brazen exhibitionism. I’d be triple-checking the locks on the bathroom door every time. Maybe during the renovation they accidentally ordered an extra glass door and were like, “we can’t just throw it out – we could put it up in front of the toilet I guess???”
The house also features a nanny suite with a separate entrance; I know you probably think that improves your chances of kindling some kind of “Penthouse Letters” type of affair with your nanny, but trust me, it doesn’t. Your chances are still zero. There’s also a separately deeded garage, which means that one day very soon you’ll have to explain to your wife that she has to start parking on the street because you had too much to drink at poker night and lost the garage to the intern from your office. God, I wish I could be a fly on the wall for that conversation. Last, but not least, is the garden; this is one of the largest and nicest gardens in all of Georgetown, with a large flagstone patio, a sizable yard, and a high privacy hedge. With a garden like this, you basically have a moral obligation to have two or three huge, catered garden parties every year. And now that I think about it, I’m not sure if that’s a reason to buy this house, or a reason to not buy it.
1552 33rd Street NW
5 Bedrooms, 4.5 Baths