Open houses always have a certain urgency about them, especially in this ever-climbing market, but after the snowstorm wiped out a whole weekend of viewings, it was even worse than usual. It’s like people knew that extra week it was going to take them to find their dream home was going to screw up their budget, especially coupled with the hit their finances were about to take from the long blizzard weekend’s credit card bill of marked-up Ubers and food deliveries, not to mention the blizzard baby they’d probably conceived, because really what else is there to do when you’re housebound? This place felt like a greenhouse, but instead of humidity hanging in their air, there was a fog of desperation. I’m surprised people didn’t show up with rolling suitcases full of cash.
I guess I can’t blame them though – this is a very nice home in the heart of 16th Street Heights, which is like the Arlington of Columbia Heights/Mount Pleasant/Adams Morgan. (I mean that in a good way.) As you can probably see, this house has been fully renovated, though you have to admit it would be pretty cool if it’s been exactly like this since the Forties and everyone just thought the designer was insane until recently. There’s an open floor plan on the first floor, which makes it the perfect home for entertaining; there’s a huge foyer, a large living room area oriented around an antique fireplace, a dining room area, and the well-appointed kitchen has an oversized, square island where I can almost see your future dinner party guests standing around, pretending to listen to each other but secretly just waiting for their turn to talk so they can tell an anecdote involving “metrics” and/or “disruption.” (I suggest keeping a smoke bomb in the oven so if everyone gets too unbearable, you can fake a fire and rudely herd everyone out on a moment’s notice.)
The master bedroom is one of the largest I’ve ever seen – look at those oversized windows. *Grabs back of your neck* I SAID LOOK AT THEM! The master bath has heated floors, which means getting out of the shower in winter is going to be very comfortable, and the only trade-off is an undetermined chance of you being electrocuted while nude. (If my bathroom had heated floors, the minuscule chance that someone might end up discovering my naked corpse would have me showering in swim trunks.) There’s also an awesome soaking tub, and an all-marble shower that’s so nice it’ll probably shame you into breaking your disgusting habit of peeing into the drain during your morning shower. On the top floor, there’s an “entertaining attic,” which I didn’t know was a thing. I don’t know what sort of people you entertain in an attic. Impoverished French painters? Victorian-era secret wives? Bats? Still, it’s a really nice attic, probably the nicest one I’ve ever seen, with a wine fridge and a huge, walk-out wooden roof deck. I have a soft spot for the idiosyncratic angles and irregular ceilings of an attic, not to mention the undersized closets. If you’re ever “entertaining” up here and one of your friends is being obnoxious, you could always be like, “I bet you one hundred dollars that you can’t fit into this tiny closet!” And then when they cram in there to prove you wrong, you just quickly slam the door shut, padlock it, an then retire with your other guests to the living room downstairs. The house has an intercom too, so you can mortify your significant other by paging them at bedtime. “Please report to the bedroom ASAP for intercourse! This is your final warning before I reactivate my online dating profiles.” Downstairs, there’s also a two bedroom in-law suite that’s a discreet nod to the fact that your in-laws are only still together because health insurance is cheaper as a married couple. No wonder your father-in-law is so passionate about Bernie Sanders 2016; single-payer = single once again.
1412 Kennedy Street NW
6 Bedrooms, 4.5 Baths