The listing for this breathtaking Georgetown condo starts with the line “all offers considered!!”, but I don’t feel like they actually gave fair consideration to my offer of $6000 cash on the spot, plus the password to my lifetime guaranteed free Netflix account that I bought off the darknet. Seriously though, it’d be easier if you just told us how much money you owe the Russian mafia, and we’ll tell you if we have it or not. (Why else would they be that desperate to unload this place?)
This place offers just under four thousand square feet of living space, so no one will make fun of you if you putter from room to room on your Segway. (Okay, I lied, they will definitely make fun of you.) I’m not big on “views” generally (especially “monument views” – the whole point of the Height Act is that every place has “monument views”), but this place really does have exceptional views. There’s a huge expanse of the Potomac River, plus the skyline on the other side, so that no matter how bad your day is, you can come home, point across the river, and say to yourself, “at least I don’t live in Virginia.” The massive living room has floor-to-ceiling windows instead of walls, and a gas fireplace, so your neighbors can watch through a telescope and laugh as you put wood in the gas fireplace and flood the unit with smoke. There’s an “entertainment wall,” that features the fireplace, a spot for a nice huge flat screen over the mantle, and tons of built-ins for books, framed photos, and your DVD boxed sets of “Friends,” seasons 1 through 10, which your ex cites as the primary deal breaker when people ask why you two broke up. (The other person always gasps and says, “oh, I’m so sorry that happened to you.”) There’s a formal dining room, and a very fine gourmet kitchen, with stainless steel appliances, marble countertops, and a wine fridge.
There are four bedrooms, three of which have private terraces. If you have a family, the kid who gets the room without the terrace is going to be talking a whole lot about that to their future therapist. The master bedroom has an awesome walk-in closet, and two separate bathrooms, which I’ve come to believe is an absolute prerequisite for any long-term relationship. (My bathroom is so disgusting that the last time I had a houseguest, they preferred to walk a half-mile to the nearest public bathroom twice a day.) There’s a massive soaking tub that’s big enough to hold five or six people (don’t even think about it), and a glass-walled shower that’s so huge it could plausibly double as a car wash. Speaking of cars, the unit also comes with two parking spaces AND valet parking; this is a pretty fantastic amenity considering that parking is probably the most annoying part about owning a car, although the downside is that it’ll be embarrassing to have the valet silently judging you when you return from your 3:30 AM Taco Bell run. The around-the-clock valets should clue you in to how luxurious this building actually is; this is one of the nicest in the entire District, with some of the best views. I mean, it’s on “South Street,” which is so nice that you’ve never even heard of it, and the lobby looks like the foyer of a top-tier architecture firm. Just as a joke, I checked how much the monthly mortgage payment would be on this place, and it was more than I made all of last year. (Yes, ladies, I’m single; form a line.)
3150 South Street NW #2F
4 Bedrooms, 4.5 Baths