Sundays with Strangers

dc9534053-residential-1rajq3d-oThis Kalorama loft is a fantastic deal at just under $1 million, especially considering that according to the Washington Post, $2 million is the new $1 million, which I guess means that $1 million is now really cheap?

If I could afford to buy, i.e. I won the Powerball or something, I would definitely buy a loft like this one.  Just keep in mind that I’m a single man who doesn’t plan on ever having kids, and refuses to cohabitate with my significant other. (I don’t understand the logic of, “I really like this person, let’s totally exhaust that affection by being in each other’s faces 24/7!!”) Point is, loft spaces are best if you don’t have to share them with other people, since there are no, you know, walls. Just a big open space that’s easily traversible by noise, odors, or the late night glow of a smartphone screen. (“It’s 3AM, show me who you’re texting or I’m calling a divorce lawyer in the morning.”) That being said, if you do live alone, a loft is magical. There’s something about a large high-ceilinged open space like this one that never fails to fill you with a sense of possibility. It’s like a cathedral or something. “I’m capable of achieving anything I put my mind to,” you think on Saturday morning, as you walk into your light-filled loft and turn on your Xbox. “I can change the world. Today is the first day of the rest of my life,” you think as you sink into your beanbag gaming chair. “I sure am glad I don’t live with anyone who might have witnessed this,” you think nine hours later, when you’re still playing Call of Duty in your underwear. Oops.

This wide-open unit has tons of light and; there are two sets of sliding glass doors along the far wall that open onto an extra-long balcony.  If I lived here, I would keep a little golf cart out there and putter back and forth during smoke breaks. There’s a fireplace in one corner, so if civilization collapses, you’ll be able to heat your home with stock certificates and hair you salvage from street corpses. In keeping with the industrial “loft” motif, there’s exposed ductwork throughout the place; seeing the skeleton of a home brings to mind the question of why we ever hid it in the first place. It’s like when I go to my parents’ house and my mom has the roll of toilet paper in a little mushroom made of yarn. What are we gaining from this charade?!  The gourmet kitchen features stainless steel Viking appliances that, with minimal engineering experience, could probably be reassembled into a BMW. There’s a long marble breakfast bar, and a “wine cooler,” also known as a “small refrigerator.” Underneath the lofted space is a room with retractable sliding door-walls, in case you need some privacy or storage or your coworker drops by unannounced while you’re cooking meth. Further on, the master bedroom is as high-ceilinged and loft-y as the rest of the house, and the master bath is somehow spartan and luxurious at the same time, with a glass-walled marble shower that if you told me was made of an upcycled old meat locker, I would probably believe you. There’s also a wonderful walk-in closet with modular shelving; you can look forward to multiple weekends spent organizing and reorganizing your entire wardrobe. Welcome to adulthood.

Higher up is a den/office area that leads to the real crown jewel of the unit – a huge, private rooftop terrace. In an era of increasingly excessive and specialized amenities (marijuana grow room, anyone?), we sometimes forget that roof access might be the best amenity of all.  I mean, what’s the competition? Parking?  You can do that on the street. A pool?  You can only use it for three months a year.  Rooftop terraces combine the best qualities of the yard and the balcony. Plus, you can throw water balloons down on arriving guests. The unit also comes with “tandem parking,” which I think is when they stack the cars vertically? Not sure, I haven’t driven since 1996 (and absurdly proud of it).  And from this location, you’re two blocks from Adams Morgan, and only a block from Meridian Hill Park. If you sit on the rooftop terrace on a Sunday, you’ll probably be able to hear the drum circle, which could be really really cool, assuming you’ve just smoked a lot of weed.

1700 Kalorama Road NW #408
2 Bedrooms, 2 Baths
$949,000

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