When I go to the grocery store, the first thing I do is go to the rack in the very back of the store where the damaged goods are on sale for 80% off. Boxes of cereal taped closed, dented cans of soup, bottles of weird discontinued juice. I’ve spent plenty of weeks eating bizarre meals of random disgusting stuff like Maple Bacon-flavored Pop Tarts and “Larry the Cable Guy”-brand bread, just because it was cheap. I blame it on my Asian mother, whose enthusiasm for deals verged on obsession. (When I was a kid, we ate London Broil steaks every night for a month after the grocery store mispriced them way under the actual price and my mom bought literally every single package in the store.) Anyway, this luxury condo is the place for you, if you’re of a similar mindset. After some, er, hurdles and missteps, this building is once again full speed ahead, and now’s your chance to get this luxury loft at a discount. I mean, it’s not exactly cheap as-is, but who knows how much more it would cost if it wasn’t in a “troubled” building? (Also, isn’t it perversely comforting to know that even uber-wealthy developers cheap out when it comes to construction? It’s a $100 million building and they still got their contractors off Craigslist.)
I really love the wide open “loftiness” of this place, but that’s probably because I live alone, and can’t imagine why walls would ever be useful. The building is right on the water, so there’s a ton of light; the oversized windows in the main living room area are awesome, and I’m really into the fact that they’re latticed with frames rather than the more common “one huge pane of glass” type window. I love oversized picture windows, but owning one would make me nervous; all it takes is one stupid bird or a disgruntled ex with a brick, and your quiet evening on the sofa with a book can quickly become a razor sharp death tornado of glass shards. There’s a dining room area, but since no one dines anymore, it would probably make more sense to use it for a “pile of coats and unopened mail” area. The chef’s kitchen is really really cutting-edge; just look at that cabinetry. It follows the latest trend of smooth surfaces and no protrusions – things like recessed lighting and sans serif fonts. I like the smooth “2001: A Space Odyssey” contours, but I also worry that it’s sort of like an expensive jacket you buy knowing that in a year, it will look so hopelessly dated that random high schoolers will be taking photos of you on the street. Still, for a season you’re on top of the pile.
The master suite is gorgeous and has floor to ceiling windows, so if you accidentally walk out of the shower naked and the curtains are open, you’ll have no choice but to throw yourself to the ground and worm out of the room on your stomach. The master bath sports a glass-walled shower, twin basins, and a massive nightclub-bathroom-style mirror that will let you examine your ongoing physical deterioration in pitiless detail as you floss. There are not one but two private walk-out terraces, one of which faces out onto the water. Scientific studies have shown that just looking at bodies of water has a miraculous stress-relieving effect on people, so there’s that. Also, if your significant other starts looking at their phone while you’re telling an anecdote about Ashley in Marketing, you can snatch it out of their hands and throw it in the river. That may not exactly be stress-relieving, but it will make you feel good for a moment. One of the terraces even has a gas hookup for a grill, so in the summer you can torment your friends and family with processed meat products that are somehow undercooked and burnt to a crisp at the same time. This being a luxury building, it also boasts a long list of amenities: fitness center, rooftop pool, rooftop terraces, a 24-hour front desk, and a concierge. If they had a free soft-serve machine in the lobby, I would literally never leave this building. (Honestly, for $3.2 million, you could probably demand one from management, and they’d have it put in the next day.)
3303 Water Street NW #3A
2 Bedrooms, 2.5 Baths