Next-Level Amenities We’d Like to See In 2016

Everyone has money now. Where did they get it? Their parents? China? Are they drug dealers? I’m stumped. Where did all this money come from? “Wealth creation”? Does that just mean counterfeiting? Am I the last person to realize that “wealth creation” is a euphemism for counterfeiting? How embarrassing. *Buys a high-end laser printer*

No but seriously, with all this money around, it’s getting harder to sell a place. You used to be able to throw any old fixer-upper on the market and walk away with a million bucks within a week, but now people are getting pickier. Now it’s all about amenities; a perfect example is the pot-growing room that set the DC internet aflame earlier this year. So what other kind of amenities do we want to see in the new year?


Are they practical? No. Does that matter? No again. If anything, impracticality makes an amenity more attractive. That’s why it’s called an ‘amenity,’ and not a ‘necessity.’ Just think how jealous your friends are going to be when they come over to watch the game and you start tossing the pizza dough. Plus, you get to keep one of those huge long-handled wooden paddles around, which come in real handy when your significant other starts talking during your favorite show. (“I just don’t buy that he’d be dating someone like her-*SMACKKKKK*”)

This is already a thing in high-end buildings in Brooklyn (of course) and Texas (???). Don’t tell me you don’t know a carb-lovin’, drawstring-pants-wearin’ somebody who wouldn’t pay an arm and a leg to have a legitimate brick pizza oven right in the kitchen.


You people are disgusting. There, I said it. We should all have bidets already. I went to a fancy Japanese restaurant recently where they had an authentic Japanese bidet-toilet with music, a warmed seat, little vents dispensing perfume, and water jets to, ahem, cleanse you. And it was a revelation. I came out of the bathroom and said to everyone at the table, “you have to go use that toilet.” Their expressions when they came out, one after the other, were like they’d just discovered life’s most profound secret.

Bidets are standard in Europe, but they never caught on in the US, mostly, legend has it, because American soldiers in WW2 first encountered them in brothels, and so associated them with sin and immorality. The American puritanical streak did the rest. But really, America is ready for the bidet now. Our collective obsession about hygiene “down there” has already reached the point where straight men openly talk about waxing, and moms use the term “landing strip” without even blushing. Google “how to use a bidet” and try and tell me that people wouldn’t be into it.

3409321578_1816228SMOKING ROOMS

This is the logical extension of the ‘grow room’ idea. If you’ve got a designated room to grow your weed, why not have a designated room to smoke it too? Huddling on a freezing balcony is no fun, and smoking on the stoop invites dirty looks from uptight neighbors and irritating “hey, let me hit that” solicitations from strangers. (I have a friend who always does this when we walk by strangers getting high; the weird thing is that the strangers never say no.)

The technology is already here – rich guys have been building “cigar rooms” for decades. All you need is a room on an exterior wall, some exhaust fans, a good airtight door, and leather furniture. (Ever wondered why cigar bars always have leather furniture? Leather doesn’t absorb smoke like regular upholstery.) Slap some black light posters on the wall and you’ve got the perfect hermetically-sealed room to get smoke in, without having to worry about your toddler getting a contact high.


It’s already well known, in developer circles, that a dog run is an easy way to up the price of a condo. Ten square feet, a sliding door and some sod or astroturf, and you can add fifty grand to the asking price. So why not a cat enclosure? There are actually more cat owners than dog owners, and because of a cat’s famously inscrutable poker face, most cat owners are neurotic and obsessive about their little furbaby’s quality of life. Are they happy? Are they miserable? It’s impossible to tell. Cat owners will gladly throw down a little (or a lot) of cash, if it means they’ll be a little less guilty about keeping their cat cooped up all the time.  (I’m talking about myself, obviously.)

These things exist already; they just need a little design upgrade/prettification. Cat enclosures need their Steve Jobs. I’m thinking plexiglas and industrial-style steel framing. Slap those on the outside of some of those upcoming Blagden Alley micro-apartments and the Millennials will be lining up around the block like another “Star Wars” premiere.

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