Sundays With Strangers

IS5u6zstcivqsg1000000000This beautiful home near Embassy Row gives you all the conveniences of city living, but all the privacy of country living.  You can be at Chipotle in ten minutes, but if murderous cult members break into your house in the middle of the night, no one will hear your screams.  It’s a win-win.  Actually, even though this house is incredibly private (it’s at the end of a private road, and surrounded by forest), there are neighborhood security patrols 24/7, so no worries.  You probably think the security is there to protect all the embassies and diplomats, but more likely they’re there to protect you from the embassies and diplomats and their “diplomatic immunity,” which is basically an infinitely reusable “get out of jail free card.”

This massive home was recently renovated, so everything is new and top-of-the-line.  There are also pink shutters, which are maybe there because someone lost a bet?  I’m not sure.  If I had diplomatic immunity, I would’ve pried them off with a crowbar and put them in the woodshed, but alas, I’m just a lowly American citizen who would be pepper-sprayed as soon as I took the crowbar out from under my trenchcoat.  I do love the beautiful glass-paneled front doors, which are the sort of thing you buy when you live at the end of a private road in a neighborhood with 24/7 security.  If they were in Petworth, the local kids would literally organize a raffle to see who got to chuck a brick through them.  Inside, you enter into a marble foyer;  a large percentage of this house seems to consist of marble.  If you slip and fall, there’s like a 40% chance you’re going to land on a surface that will split your head like an overripe cantaloupe. Looks real nice though.

The main level sports an open floor plan, so your kids will have no difficulties following you from room to room, repeatedly asking you for a hoverboard and/or an Xbox One.  There are oversized windows in almost every room, so you can stand there in the mornings, drinking your coffee and looking out into the woods, wishing you were a happy squirrel instead of a tax attorney who has seven figures of debt.  The fantastic chef’s kitchen has stainless steel appliances, marble counters, a wine fridge, and tons of cabinet space.  If you don’t cook in it at least once a week, you’ll be tormented by guilt like a character in an Edgar Allan Poe story.  The master bedroom is bright and large enough for two California Kings (if you’re going to be trapped in a loveless marriage, you might as well be comfortable), and the master bath features marble everything, a huge glass-walled shower, and a soaking tub.  There’s also a large window that looks onto the  front of the house, so you can pause in mid-lather and wave to the security guy as he passes on his Segway.  The master suite has a fantastic walk-in closet that’s basically a small high-end boutique that you’ll stock with your clothes.  When you get dressed in the morning, you can pretend you’re shoplifting in Georgetown.

The finished basement has a fireplace and opens directly onto the backyard, where there’s a large flagstone patio, and a grassy lawn fit for a game of croquet.  There’s also a stairway leading down onto the grounds, where you can wander around and get bit by ticks.  The house seems remote, but there’s actually a trail into Georgetown (weird to think about taking a nature trail to get to Wisconsin Avenue), and the Woodley Metro is nearby, as is Embassy Row and the Naval Observatory, which doubles, of course, as the Vice President’s home.  Play your cards right, and you could be hiking over next year to drink kombucha with Vice President Bernie Sanders and talk about single-payer healthcare and “that time he smoked weed with Woody Harrelson and Fidel Castro.”

3115 Normanstone Terrace NW
5 Bedrooms, 6 Baths
$3,900,000

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