You can always tell how nice a house is by looking at the floor plan and counting up the room names. The more room names, the more expensive the house. For example, if a house has a “great room,” a “family room,” and a “living room,” you definitely can’t afford it. This house has so many rooms that they literally ran out of names, even though they cheated and included a “game room” and a “recreation room.” (Unless that’s some kind of low-key sexual reference?) By the time they got to the top floor, they were using “bonus room.” Like, “surprise, you bought a house with 35 rooms, we’re throwing one more in for free!” If I was in charge of drawing these floor plans, I’d just call them, “A room,” “Another room,” “Yet another room,” and “The most you will ever do with this room is put an air mattress in it and call it a ‘guest room’ but the only person who will ever possibly sleep here is you, after your significant other breaks into your phone.”
This Wesley Heights manse is all-new construction, so you won’t have to worry about odors or ghosts. (When I move into a place, those are my two main concerns. I don’t know why more agents don’t use the “Guaranteed %100 ghost free!” angle.) It’s almost fortress-like, set up on a hill like that; on Halloween you could stand on the porch and when trick-or-treaters got a couple feet up your driveway, you could just fling candy down on them like medieval soldiers during a siege. The main level features an open floor plan, for your Segwayin’ ease. There’s a beautiful library seemingly made entirely of polished wood in the very front of the house, with several protruding bay windows so that when that person from Tinder drives up, the first thing they’ll see is you sitting thoughtfully in the bay window, reading a thick leather bound volume. (Oh, and you’re naked.) The living room is huge, and bright, and features an ultramodern fireplace, the cutting-edge design of which somehow makes it more obvious that it’s just a big box to burn stuff in.
The gourmet kitchen is huge, with top-of-the-line everything, and has a massive white marble-topped island that’s big enough to fit a helicopter on or, more likely, brochures for several wealth management firms you’re considering. There’s also a butler’s pantry that you can duck into with your significant other during dinner parties, and be like, “figure out some way to get your boss to leave so we can break out the weed.” Upstairs, the master bedroom suite has awe-inspiring views of the grounds, and the master bath, in keeping with the theme of surplus rooms, literally gives the tub and the shower separate rooms. It’s more like a master bath suite; it’s a sub-suite. It’s perfect if you’re one of those couples who occasionally has to bathe at the same time, but doesn’t like to look at each other naked, i.e. every couple who’s been together for longer than 18 months.
The lower level sports the aforementioned game room and recreation room, both of which open onto the incredible all-wood wet bar. When you go out of town, this is where your teenager is going to do all the things they solemnly swore they wouldn’t do if you left them home alone for the weekend, plus a bunch of other things you can’t even imagine. (DMT.) Out back is a huge flagstone patio, with great views of the massive grounds; the house is built on a 26,000 square foot lot, so you have plenty of possibilities there. Do you like golf? You could build your own golf course. I’m sure the neighbors would love that. Or you could have a huge vegetable garden! There’s nothing that wealthy people love more than looking out the windows of their multimillion-dollar homes and seeing someone cultivating tubers. Yeah, I don’t know. I guess if you have kids, you could tell yourself that they’ll frolic and play outside, but if you’ve come into contact with an actual kid in the past five years, you know that all they care about are screens. Even if you switched off your son’s Xbox and physically relocated him outside the house for playtime, he’d just run behind a tree and dig up the emergency iPad he buried there. The house is also right on Rock Creek Park, so if there’s any chance that you might need to dispose of a dead body in the future, that could come in handy. (Convenient corpse disposal – that’s another thing agents should put in listings.)
2939 49th Street NW
7 Bedrooms, 7 Baths