When I was young, my family moved often, and when my parents were looking at prospective new houses, they would always come back to “privacy.” “I like it, but there’s no privacy.” “The backyard doesn’t really do it for me, not enough privacy.” I have no idea why they were so big on privacy, it’s not like they were nudists. (Thank god.) Maybe they were meth cooks? Hmmm, we did move a lot, and they always paid for everything in cash. Okay, I’m going to stop talking now.
This house totally would’ve met their high standards for privacy though, what with the forbidding front yard and how the house peeks out from behind a screen of trees. Even if you were a nudist or a meth cook (or both), this house would meet all your privacy requirements. It’s definitely the most retiring $2 million mansion I’ve ever seen. Most houses this nice are thirstier for attention than my ex on Instagram, but you could almost overlook this one entirely if you didn’t trim those trees for a couple years. (“Move on, Mr. Tax Assessor, no house here!”) Inside, the house is one of a kind. The living room is paneled with walnut, giving it a sort of “Seventies rumpus room” vibe. Let’s take some quaaludes and have a key party. I mean, aren’t we all getting sick of white walls at this point? They get dingy so fast that you have to repaint (or worse yet, clean) them every year, and more than that, they’re just kind of boring. I say bring back wood paneling. Now that wallpaper is back, it’s just a matter of time. Plus, if civilization collapses, you can pry it off the walls for firewood.
The living room also has a “library wall” of built-ins, and three other walls of huge leaded windows. I’m not sure what leaded windows are exactly, but you probably shouldn’t let your children eat them. Once you’re done with all your livin’, you can proceed to the family room to do your familyin’, which you know, if you’ve ever sat through an entire Pixar movie with a small child, the polar opposite of livin’. There’s a beautiful beamed ceiling, and a custom-built walnut media cabinet, which you could use for, I don’t know, shoe storage? I’m looking forward to seeing how people are going to repurpose all these media rooms and media cabinets, now that everything’s in the cloud. They’re like the carriage house, after everyone started driving cars. There’s a huge formal dining room, and a sprawling eat-in kitchen. The kitchen is endearingly quaint, with throwback cabinetry and appliances. Which is not to say it’s not nice; no, it’s very nice. It’s just not that ultra-modern granite countertops/stainless steel appliance combo we’re used to seeing. And really, is that such a bad thing? No one’s impressed by granite counters/stainless steel appliances anymore. They’re like Uggs; they’re fine, I guess, but no one’s impressed by them. People just assume you forgot to set your alarm or are having a midlife crisis.
Upstairs, the master bedroom is massive. There’s patterned carpet, but you know, that can come out. (I like most old stuff, but not all old stuff.) If you ask nicely, the seller will probably give you a carpet knife at the closing. The master bath sports twin basins (the couple that flosses together stays together) and an oversized shower with a curtain – not a glass door. Glass-walled showers are aesthetically nice to look at, but I always feel so naked in them.
The very top level is a rec room, which is not something I’ve ever seen before, but which I wholeheartedly support. There’s a beamed ceiling, a fireplace, and a wet bar; if you have teenagers, this is definitely where they’re going to conceive their unplanned pregnancy when you go out of town. Out back is a meticulously landscaped garden, and a covered pergola for outdoor dining or just spending some private time by yourself, i.e. cooking meth. There’s also a fully-detached garage which is covered with decades of vines and overgrowth, so it looks like the building the main character finds towards the end of the movie after piecing together all the serial killer’s hidden clues. It’s the sort of thing that could come in especially handy if you’re a parent; just take your kid to a back window of the house, point at the garage, and say, “Do you want to go out to the garage? Didn’t think so. Now go finish your Brussels sprouts.”
4915 Linnean Avenue NW
5 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths