Whenever I look at a tiny house, I’m always struck by how well-considered and efficient the design is; my next thought is “why don’t they design all houses with this level of consideration?” And it’s true, most houses that cost ten or a hundred times as much as a tiny house generally have dramatically inferior design. Basically they’re just big expensive boxes. I’m not sure if the moral of this story is “necessity is the mother of invention” or “rich people don’t mind crap aesthetics.” Probably a little of both.
This striking home, though, is cutting-edge in every way. It was designed by noted architect “rudi:d” – you could Google him, but it’s safe to say he’s probably pretty good at his job, to get away with a name like that. I can’t even wear jeans on a Thursday without being sent home to change, and this guy’s inventing new punctuation. You enter into the sleek, minimalist living room, which has maple floors and tons of built-ins. It’s very bright, thanks to the oversized windows everywhere. (I’m pretty sure you can judge the quality of a home by the size of its windows; if you look at photos of those $50 million mega-luxury condos overlooking Central Park, those places are literally all window, floor-to-ceiling. And come to think of it, if you consider the crappiest apartments in DC – the “English basements” – those places only have tiny porthole-like windows that, in the case of my friend John anyway, are always blocked by the landlord’s garbage cans.) The powder room has an ultra-edgy basin (I didn’t even know basins could be “edgy” until I saw this one) that looks like a prop from a science fiction movie directed by Kanye. The dining room is spacious and features a beautiful detailed ceiling; there’s also a butler’s pantry where you can go to “get coffee for everyone” but then stand with your ear to the door to hear what they’re saying about you. The kitchen sports some very appealing cabinetry in a style I’d describe as “Fleetwood Mac boho” but which my girlfriend strenuously insisted was “Scandinavian hunting cabin.” Either way, it looks cool. There are stainless steel appliances and a Thermador cooktop that’s integrated into the counter; I’d give it 50/50 odds someone accidentally sits on it during your New Year’s Eve party.
To see the upstairs, you could walk up this primitive system of small, progressively elevated platforms called “stairs” or you could TAKE THE ELEVATOR. Yes, there’s an elevator in this place. Honestly, if I had an elevator in my home, I would just ride it up and down, pausing on each floor, until my girlfriend was like, “hey, hold the door, I want to take this chair downstairs,” and then I’d quickly press the “close door” button and then laugh and laugh. On the second floor is a beautiful library that comes with enough built-ins for hundreds of books. If you lived here, you’d almost have to go out and buy a huge pile of books to fill your library, otherwise guests would come over and see the empty shelves and think, “what a philistine!” Adjacent to the library is a cozy living room oriented around a Spark gas fireplace, which sounds like something from a fireman’s version of “Who’s On First?” Upstairs on the third floor is the luxurious master suite; the master bath features twin basins on opposite walls, so when you both brush your teeth at the same time, you’ll see you and your partner in one of those weird mirror tunnels to infinity, which is also a pretty good description of marriage. The shower is glass-walled, but it’s frosted glass, so you get some privacy while lathering. I don’t trust anyone who’s comfortable showering in a transparent-walled shower. In addition, there’s a beautiful spa bath inlaid in teak, instead of the usual marble, so if you slip you’ll only bonk your elbow instead of shattering it into eight jagged shards which will immediately begin speeding through your bloodstream towards your heart and brain. The walk-in closet is fit for a king, albeit a relatively modest king of someplace like the Seychelles, who only has, like, fifteen to twenty outfits.
1633 33rd Street NW
3 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths