Sometimes I’m genuinely trying to show you, the reader, a “good value” property, a realistic investment or home, sometimes I’m just looking to reassure you by showcasing something attainable, like the property equivalent of a dad bod, but then other weeks I’m just openly showing you property porn to salivate over. This is one of the property porn weeks. Looking at this listing is like watching a Kim Kardashian home movie, except instead of bubble bath scenes and California king-sized hotel beds with silk sheets, there are 1400-square-foot terraces and multiple walk-in closets.
This is one of the penthouse apartment at the Ritz Residences in the West End, so you can probably imagine the level of opulence on display here. You walk into a grand foyer with a custom marble floor; it’s so nice that it’s almost an act of aggression just having people walk into your front door. I imagine your friends coming over, walking in and looking around, and then slumping their shoulders, like, “well, my life is a total failure compared to this!” (I bet this is why billionaires always dress like homeless stoners; it makes people feel comfortable around them.) Down the short hall is the living room, which sports floor-to-ceiling windows. The view is fantastic, though in fairness, the most fantastic view on earth is still less entertaining than an episode of “Friends” you’ve already seen four times. (When I went to the Grand Canyon, I barely looked up from my Game Boy. Isn’t that why we take so many pictures, so we don’t have to look at the view?) Still, the view will impress your guests, and isn’t that the whole point of living in a place like this?
The kitchen is characteristically lavish; the appliances look like they were made by Rolex, and the marble counters are of Italian sculpture levels of quality. There’s also a huge amount of cabinetspace, which is ironic considering that if you lived in a penthouse at the Ritz, you probably wouldn’t ever go grocery shopping. You’d just order every meal off Seamless; I know I would. (I’m moderately poverty-stricken and I order every meal off Seamless anyway; the only difference is, I feel bad about it.) There’s a formal dining room with direct access to the terrace, so if someone convinces you to try some eggplant for the first time since you were eight, because “who knows, your tastes might have changed,” you can immediately sprint out to the railing and spit it down into the bed of a passing garbage truck. This happened to me recently, but unfortunately I had to settle for dry-heaving into a cloth napkin. It would’ve been so much more theatrical if I could’ve sprinted out onto a terrace.
Speaking of the terrace, this is probably the largest terrace I’ve ever seen in DC. You could have a high school reunion out here; you could literally – literally – land a helicopter on this terrace. If you house-sat for people who lived here, you should definitely disassemble all their cars, bring the parts out here, and put them back together, just because you can. You’re going to have to have at least two parties a year, with a terrace like this. I think it’s a law. Inside, the master suite is more of the same; marble floors, floor-to-ceiling windows, et cetera. This is not the place to live if you don’t like being watched by your neighbors. Where the master suite really shines is the master baths. Yes, baths, plural. There are two en suite full baths off the master suite; that means you don’t have to share a single bathroom feature with your significant other. Everyone who cohabitates knows that the thing you miss most about living alone is being able to totally trash your bathroom without someone harrumphing about the toothpaste cap or how “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” isn’t acceptable toilet protocol. Two full baths immediately subtracts at least a dozen arguments a year from your relationship. Continuing in that same vein of selfishness, there are separate walk-in closets in the master bedroom, and each of the four bedrooms has its own private balcony; you could conceivably live here with someone and go days without even seeing them! Be honest, isn’t that the ideal setup anyway? We all know people only move in together so their annoying friends will stop asking when they’re moving in together.
1111 23rd Street NW PH2A
4 Bedrooms, 6 Baths