I really really coveted this house, so much so that halfway through my tour I started to consider how to devalue it down into my price range. If you check my phone’s search history for Sunday afternoon, you might find searches for “entomology lab bulk order bedbugs termites,” “how to poison water table with lead” and “false positive asbestos how to.” And in the end, the main reason I didn’t follow through on those plans is that even if I did all three, the house would still probably be out of my price range. Even if I burned the house to the ground, the smoking, rubble-strewn lot would still be out of my price range. This is what happens when you major in English.
Regardless, look at his place! Remind you of anything? Think about how many presidential jokes you could make if you lived in this house. “Dad-In-Chief,” et cetera. It would never end. Your family would hate you and probably relocate to a hotel six months after moving in. Ah well, more room for you. You enter into a wide, open plan ground level that has so much light you should probably wear sunscreen just to sit on the sofa. There’s a family room (with vaulted ceilings) for your familyin’, and a sprawling living room (with fireplace) for your livin’, which is definitely the opposite of familyin’. You new parents know exactly what I mean. The formal dining room is, as they say, “perfect for entertaining,” which means that it oozes money and will make your guests convulse with envy. Through there is the lavish gourmet kitchen, which features top-of-the-line everything, as well as a walk-in pantry. Walk-in pantries are wonderful, because they essentially eliminate the problem of cabinet space, but they can also be dangerous, since you’ll probably keep it fully stocked with food at all times, and will inevitably end up in the pantry late some night after weeks of dieting, shoving yogurt raisins and miniature Nestle Crunches into your mouth because “it doesn’t count if I don’t take it outside the pantry.” (I speak from bitter experience here; pantries are like public bathrooms, in that something about the confined privacy makes you do horrible things that you would never dream of doing otherwise.) But anyway. There’s also a breakfast area directly off the kitchen, which features a fireplace, into which I will absolutely fling any low-fat cream cheese or “no pulp” orange juice you try and serve me for breakfast.
There’s a gallery that opens onto the rear garden via a truly decadent number of French doors, something like a dozen or more. This is the French door equivalent of showing up to a party in a shirt and pants made of actual gold ore. It’s so excessive you just have to laugh (and then key their car). Through the doors is a stunning garden that was designed by Oehme, van Sweden, & Associates. I’m a little behind on my landscape architecture rankings, but they sound European so they’re probably good. There are fieldstone terraces out there, and an insane colonnade fountain that looks incredible, but which your children will always wish was a swimming pool instead. Upstairs, the master bedroom overlooks this rear garden, so you can creepily watch your significant other sunbathing out there on Saturday afternoons while rubbing your hands together and muttering, “mine, all mine.” There’s an awesome walk-in closet, and the en suite master bath features a soaking tub, twin vanities, and a glass-doored rain shower that’s so nice it might make me reconsider my strict policy of only showering directly before “intimate relations.” On the third floor is a charming attic bedroom that’s so quirky and remote that anyone who enters will immediately revert to adolescence. And on the lower level is a fully-finished entertaining space that would be perfect for an office, an in-law suite, or a “man cave.” (Please stop saying “man cave,” everyone.)
3018 44th Place NW
4 Beds, 5 Baths