This luxury penthouse is one of the crown jewels of the Hill & Kendall condo project in Kalorama, which as a neighborhood is one of the crown jewels of Northwest DC, meaning that if you lived here, you would basically have license to be as insufferable as you wanted to be. People might actually hate you more if you were modest, since they would just assume it was false modesty. Better to just embrace it, and drape a sweater over your shoulders like an evil yuppie from an Eighties movie and walk around sneering at people.
The brick facade of these new developments is strictly traditional – the name of the building comes from the original architects – but the interiors are totally cutting edge. It’s like the iPad case my mom bought off Etsy that looks like an old weathered book, but then you flip it open and, oh, look, there’s Farmville and seventy-five tabs of Facebook. (“I think I have to buy a new iPad, this one’s running so slow!”) You enter into the huge lofted atrium-like main space, which is flooded with natural light from a large skylight. Instead of the usual warren of hallways and rooms, this unit is basically an open, tiered series of spaces; if you ever sneak in late at night after doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing, with someone you weren’t supposed to be doing it with, you should fully expect a barrage of shoes/plates/etc from above. Think of it as an architectural incentive towards monogamy.
The open kitchen, on the first level, features stainless steel appliances and quartz counters, because granite counters are soooooo 2012. We’re maybe two or three years from a world in which people walk into your kitchen, see your granite countertops, and curl their lip in disgust like you just pulled out a flip phone. There’s also one of those cool islands that has a dishwasher and oven embedded in the actual island, which still always surprises and impresses me, a fact that makes me feel like a caveman seeing a cigarette lighter or something. I’m not a hundred percent convinced it doesn’t work by magic.
Upstairs, there’s a sort of railinged catwalk that runs the perimeter of the unit, and a nice bright lounge area that looks out onto the terrace, which is the real star of the unit. This terrace is huge, and wraps around the whole corner of the building; the website for the Hill & Kendall actually says it sports “beautiful views” – the quotation marks are theirs – which is sort of confusing. Quotation marks usually denote sarcasm – are the views not actually beautiful? Are the views terrible? It turns out they are, literally, beautiful, so it was just a case of overzealous punctuation. Anyway, if you have any “nosy neighbor” tendencies, this place would be either the greatest or worst thing that ever happened to you. I would spend all my time out here; when it got cold, I’d just invest in some of those heaters that restaurants put on their patios. Further on, the master bedroom is very large, and like most of the other rooms, opens onto the terrace. Even the master bath – twin basins, glass-walled shower, et cetera – opens onto the terrace, which I think is a first for me. It’s not very common to see a bathroom that has a door leading outside. Not sure why this is, but it explains why in horror movies, the main character always ends up locking themselves in the bathroom. That wouldn’t really work in this condo, the killer would just be like, “gimme one sec, just going to go out through the bedroom and then crash in through the glass patio door with an axe.” The baths also sport Porcelanosa floors and Waterworks faucets, which is something to “casually” drop into conversation when you have people over.
2014 Kalorama Road NW PH8
3 Bedrooms, 3 Baths