You know that scene in romantic comedies where a married man goes to a party alone and sees this gorgeous woman from across the room, decides he has to have her, and then, when she turns around, he realizes it’s his wife? That’s how I felt in Kalorama this past weekend. I had totally taken it for granted, but then when I actually saw it, I was taken aback by its beauty. Then, just like the husband who recognizes his wife, I was immediately flooded with all my old resentments (in my case, because I can’t afford to live here), and had to go have several drinks. Relationships are difficult.
But yeah. I realized that I think of Kalorama as a slightly nicer Adams Morgan, but it’s actually a vastly nicer Adams Morgan. It’s the caviar to Adams Morgan’s fish sticks. Just look at this place! Even the foyer has a fireplace. I guess when you have a party, and someone who wasn’t invited shows up, you can be like, “let me take your coat,” and then immediately throw it into the roaring fire. Go past the wet bar and you enter the long, bright living room. You know how most upscale living rooms have hardwood floors? This living room has marble floors. This living room has nothing but disdain for all those other living rooms: when other living rooms give this living room their phone number, this living room enters it into its iPhone as “don’t answer.” There are even two huge Roman columns in the middle of the room, just to drive home how grandiose it is. They’re almost intimidating; I already feel stupid eating cereal for dinner while watching “Fail” videos on my phone, are you really going to make me do it in a miniature Parthenon? The back half of the living room is an impromptu sun room, as the walls are a series of glass doors looking out onto the terrace. It’s a great space for an early-morning breakfast, or to sit late at night and read a book, knowing that somewhere out there in the dark, invisible, a stranger is watching you and saying to themselves, “jeez, would it kill him to have a salad once in a while?”
The terrace outside features a flagstone patio and a tall privacy fence, and leads to an elevated wooden deck that sits on top of your two-car garage. Next is the beautiful wood-paneled formal dining room, which is so crazily nice that it might guilt you into actually sitting down and eating real meals. There’s also a cozy family room, which features tons of built-ins so you can display years of embarrassing family photos. (I actually emailed my mother before bringing my present girlfriend home for the first time, asking her to put away all of my stupid scowling high school photos. She just replied, “ha ha! nope.”)
There’s a luxurious powder room that’s like one of those upscale nightclub bathrooms where you have to tip an attendant five dollars before they’ll let you use the hand dryer, and a full wet bar. The kitchen is massive, with an over-sized, oblong island, and enough storage for even those people who buy every single gimmicky kitchen item that comes out, ie the Bacon Wave, the Magic Bullet, the Foreman Grill, et cetera. (I’m one of those people, mostly because I’m often drunk and gullible when those late night infomercials come on.) Next is a large library, complete with built-ins and a fireplace, and – wait, what’s this – the library comes with a lavish bathroom, complete with a full marble-and glass shower. Is it normal to need a shower after you read a book? I think I’m reading the wrong books. Upstairs, the master bedroom is a three-part suite of bedroom, bath, and dressing room. The bath features a luxe soaking tub below a skylight, so the NSA can watch you loofah, and further on is the dressing room, which is basically the world’s nicest walk-in closet. It’s actually so large, and has such a stunning view, through a pair of floor-to-ceiling windows, that you could probably rent it out as a luxury studio apartment, though it might be awkward to have your tenant walk through your bathroom every time they come and go. (My advice is, don’t make eye contact while lathering.)
1806 24th Street NW
4 Beds, 3.5 Baths