A regulation bowling lane is made of hardwood and is 60 feet long; the living room of this magnificent Penn Quarter loft is 57 feet long and features hardwood floors. Do I have to spell it out for you? I’m not saying you should convert this living room into a full-on permanent bowling alley, but maybe on the weekends, just consider pushing all the furniture to the side, setting up some pins, and rollin’ away. You may also need to start carrying a baseball bat when you leave the apartment, because if you start bowling in your living room, your downstairs neighbors will absolutely try to assault you in the elevator.
Okay, but even if you don’t end up using this apartment as a bowling alley, you have to admit that just having that option is pretty cool, sort of like how when people ask me if I went to grad school, I say no, but then mention that my GRE score was in the 99th percentile. With almost three thousand square feet of space, this luxe unit takes up almost the entire eight floor of a downtown high-rise. It really makes you wonder why no one lives downtown, though I suspect that won’t last long, now that migration out of the suburbs has begun in earnest. (Why did we ever live in the suburbs at all, is the real question.) So yeah, this may be your last chance to snag a downtown apartment before prices skyrocket. Probably not, but still, shameless fearmongering is the foundation of all sales, isn’t it?
First of all, I’m quite certain I’ve never been in a home with this many windows. I was going to count them all and impress you with the number, but then I saw the free boxed wine and, well, you know. There are east, west, and south-facing views, and as much light as most commercial greenhouses. While the ceilings aren’t quite high enough for this to be a legit loft-style apartment, it’s definitely got the openness and raw footage of a loft. You enter into the aforementioned 57-foot-long main area, which is lined with oversized windows and could be split in several different ways; living room area, dining room area, entertainment room, et cetera. You could even use plywood and chicken wire to split it into dozens of small cubicles that you could rent out by the night, though all that traffic might be tough on your bathroom. This long expanse is lit from above by track lighting and I’m going to go ahead and say it; I think track lighting is appealing. Recessed lighting is so ubiquitous that I’m ready for the pendulum to swing the other way, sort of like how in Brooklyn, hipsters are wearing shapeless saggy clothes in reaction against the ubiquitous tailored silhouette. I guess that means that if track lighting were a person, it would live in a filthy warehouse and make weird glitch techno on its laptop. (If that analogy doesn’t inspire you to go to Home Depot this weekend and buy a bunch of track lighting for your home, nothing will.)
The kitchen features granite counters and stainless steel appliances, and is large and completely open, so when you have company, they can easily just look over the shoulder and critique your cooking technique before turning back to their conversation. There’s also a wine fridge secreted back in a small kitchen alcove, so throughout your cooking, you can step back there and take repeated slugs o’ merlot. The master suite is large and super-bright – forget about sleeping in unless you duct-tape black plastic trash bags over your windows, which is probably not the greatest look from an aesthetics standpoint. (I speak from sad, bachelor experience here.) The master bath has twin basins, but instead of being side-by-side, like most twin basins, they’re on opposite walls, so if you and your partner use them at the same time, you’ll be back to back. Which, let’s be honest, is where every relationship ends up eventually. There’s also a delightful office-slash-den that has some quirky wallpaper that looks like books on shelves. Much like the aforementioned track lighting, I think whimsical wallpaper is ready for a comeback.
The location is pretty good too – not downtown proper, but more towards the Chinatown/Penn Quarter area, which has a ton of good restaurants, bars, and, at any given moment, several busloads of Midwestern youth groups walking around in terrifie huddled packs. (You can tell they’re terrified from their shrieks of mindless laughter.) Also – don’t sleep on the advantages of living in a building. For example, there’s no in-law suite, which means there will be no in-laws visiting. You really can’t put a price on that.
675 E Street NW #800
3 Bedrooms, 4 Baths