You know, sometimes you’re at an open house, and it takes a lot of imagination to make the house seem appealing. “If we could clear out this paisley furniture and the avocado-colored appliances, and tear out all three layers of ancient wall-to-wall carpeting, and get someone in here to napalm this black mold, and put on a new roof, this place might have real potential!” (Shopping for real estate and dating are actually a lot alike: “This could be my dream home, if I just change every single thing about it!”) This house, however, was the exact opposite. It may very well be a falling-down hovel speckled with termites – I have no idea. There were so many elegant, one of a kind furnishings inside that I forgot to look at the house itself. In fact, if you were seriously considering buying this place, I would suggest throwing an extra half-million on top of the asking price just to get them to leave everything exactly as-is. “Here’s the money, just leave the keys on the table and go to a hotel.”
You enter into a large, first-floor receiving area with marble floors; big deal, I have marble floors too, it’s just that they’re waist-high, and in my kitchen, and only like three feet by five feet. Still, if I stood up there, they’d technically be floors. There’s a large cloakroom off the receiving area, for when you have a bunch of cult members over and everyone is wearing their black hooded cloaks because they came straight from the animal sacrifice. You go up the winding stairs into the sitting room, and then the fantastic living room, which features an antique fireplace and built-in bookcases, which I guess are sort of the equivalent of compact disc storage racks that are permanently bolted to the floor. But still. Next is the formal dining room, which features french doors, a lavish chandelier, and another fireplace, so when your teenage daughter tells you over dinner that she wants to go to art school instead of Yale, you can immediately take back the trust fund authorization forms you just signed and throw them into the roaring fire.
Next is the gourmet eat-in kitchen, which is very large, and bordered on both sides by sets of french doors leading outside, so when you smoke legal marijuana for the first time and get the munchies and painstakingly cook up a huge pot of spaghetti, but forget to add water, so the dry pasta chars in the red-hot pan and then bursts into flame (this precise thing happened to me the first time I got high!), you can quickly open both doors and let the crosswinds blow all the smoke out before your parents wake up. There are also very fine glass-fronted cabinets, so you can see at a glance all the food you have that’s much less appealing than pizza delivery. Just adjacent to the kitchen is the butler’s pantry, which is where the butler will most likely hide, after he does “it,” whatever “it” is.
Upstairs is the master bedroom, which is spacious, bright, and has a truly ridiculous number of closets; if I lived here I would feel a crushing obligation to go shopping every single weekend until they were full, which would take a while. There’s also a very fine private office, so you can sequester yourself in there every evening while your family slowly builds up resentment like venom in a serpent’s fang. And if pure neglect isn’t alienating enough, there’s a fabulous au pair suite so you can hire an Eastern European student to raise the children you’ll be ignoring! See how it all fits together? Finally, out back is a lovely garden surrounded by high wooden privacy fencing so your neighbors can’t see you looking at their crappier houses with smug faux-sympathy.
2220 Wyoming Avenue NW
6 Bedrooms, 6 Baths