Open houses are a lot like dating; you can always find something you like about a place, if you try hard enough. But once in a while, you come across a place that has, like, ten things you love about it. That’s this place. If this place was a person, and this open house was our first date, it would’ve ended with me openly musing about what our kids were going to look like and where we were going to spend our golden anniversary, followed by them giving me a fake phone number and then quickly diving into the nearest cab while yelling at the driver, “just go, just go!”
This gem is located in the Columbia Heights development “The Illyria,” which sounds sort of like a magical fortress inhabited by fairies and a sorceress, but is, like, not that at all. This unit is a long, open loftlike space, which is all the rage right now since it apparently took the public several decades to realize that it’s no fun to live in cramped, dim, low-ceilinged boxes. (Then again, this is the same public that’s all in on Michael Bay and a two party political system.) The living room is expansive and bright and features these really cool translucent room dividers which you can slide closed in case you need some privacy, or just want to passive-aggressively condemn your significant other’s unironic consumption of “The Bachelor.” There’s also a lavish white marble fireplace that’s right out of “Dynasty,” or, since it’s 2015, “Empire.” Off that area is the gourmet kitchen, which features all the marble counters and stainless steel appliances that have apparently become required to be in every new place, under threat of prosecution and death. But there’s also a nice skylight right above the island, so the next time your significant other cooks their “famous green bean casserole,” you can wait until they go to the bathroom, stealthily bring a long wooden pole out of the hall closet (which you had made specifically for this purpose), use it to slide the skylight open, and fling the casserole out onto the roof for the birds to eat. This also raises the incredible possibility that in your haste, you could miss the skylight, splatter it all over the ceiling, and have to explain it when your significant other returns. (“I … tripped? No? Uh … a poltergeist?”)
The owner’s suite is exquisitely finished and, though the second bedroom is very nice (and even includes sliding glass doors and a private balcony), clearly superior in every way, thus making it clear at all times who is in charge and who is doomed to stew in their own resentment until possibly murdering you in your sleep. The owner’s bath is one of the finest baths I’ve ever seen; there’s a huge round freestanding soaking tub, so you can pretend to be soup, and an awesome, ingenious shower. Most showers nowadays are large glass enclosures, which are cool and all, but seem a bit “slippy” and “shattery” and “razor sharp shardy,” you know? This shower uses one of those rainfall showerheads, which is enclosed by a simple waist-high wooden barrier. Pretty cool. The only drawback I can imagine is that those rainfall showerheads, since they just sort of trickle water down onto you, lack a certain velocity that might be necessary if, say, you theoretically – theoretically, mind you! – went two weeks without showering when your girlfriend was on a long business trip, and built up a positively hobo-like level of bodily filth. I’m just not sure the trickle of a rainfall showerhead would’ve been enough for that theoretical disgusting lazy person to get clean. Then again, I’m not sure that theoretical lazy person will ever be able to get totally clean ever again.
Upstairs is a sprawling roof deck that gives you a breathtaking view of Columbia Heights, or “CoHi” as it’s called by people I will absolutely make fun of after they leave the party. It’s a great place to have a drink, take in a sunset or sunrise, or throw ink-filled balloons down onto that guy who steals everyone’s packages off their doorstep.
1343 Kenyon Street NW #3
2 Bedrooms, 2 Baths