Like a lot of people, I’m sort of torn between the ultra-efficient and ultra-responsible “tiny house” aesthetic, and the good old American aesthetic of “what if we built an aircraft hangar, but with the finishes of a luxury home?” Which is basically what this newly-built Observatory Circle six-bedroom is. There’s no reason anyone would need this much space, but then we don’t need jumbo slices or iPads either, and what kind of life would this be without those two things? We’d all be thin and have adequate attention spans. Sounds horrible. If I lived here, I would just perpetually walk from room to room (to room) with my hands on my hips, nodding at stuff. “Yep, this is mine, and so is this, and so is this. This too, over here, this is mine.” It would take like forty-five minutes a day. (Yeah, I’d do it every day.)
You enter into a great room, which really is pretty … well, you get the idea. There are several huge windows, more space than you could ever hope to fill with furniture, acres of wood floors, and sky-high ceilings. I suggested to the agent that they should put the line, “for anyone who’s ever wished they could fly a kite right in the living room,” in the listing, but he just said, “yeah, I will definitely do that,” in exactly the same way you do when the dentist tells you to start flossing every day. Moving on through, there’s a formal dining room for your stuffy multicourse meals and an eat-in kitchen where you can crouch in your underwear shoveling cereal into your face. This gourmet kitchen features stainless steel appliances, and enough cabinet space for a legit prepper; you could easily fit two years worth of food in here. Upstairs are the master quarters (because it’s too big to be called a bedroom); there are oversized windows and french doors that open onto the patio (one of two, I should add). The master bath features twin basins and a shower that’s really just a waterproofed room – you could probably fit half a dozen people in there, though you’d probably have to pay them by the hour. The other five (!) bedrooms are expansive and bright; if you’re going to buy this house, consider adopting me. I’d love to re-do my childhood in one of these bedrooms.
On the lower level, the in-law suite is a legit two bedroom apartment; I applaud the architect for bowing to the obvious reality that old parents don’t ever want to share a bedroom. They snore, they go to the bathroom once an hour, they thrash around and scream “I wish I’d never had kids!” in their sleep. My parents don’t even sleep on the same floor of the house. Of course, being too accommodating could backfire and make them visit you several times a year; maybe the ideal situation is to give them the two bedrooms, but maybe have your cat urinate in each bedroom the week before the in-laws come in, just so they don’t get too comfortable. Best of all, the house is located in picturesque Observatory Circle, which, if you’ve never been there, is the kind of neighborhood where people drop a hundred dollar bill like you or I drop a penny and are just like, “eh, not worth the trouble to pick it up.” Also, the Vice President lives there, so there’s a good chance you’ll see Biden going on his nightly wine-cooler run in his cherry red Mazda Miata.
2701 Wisconsin Avenue NW
6 Bedrooms, 6 Baths