Sundays With Strangers

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Let me tell you, if you’re serious about getting a house in this market, you need to get out there on Super Bowl Sunday.  There was barely anyone out at open houses last Sunday because everyone was off pre-gaming – the people who did come out basically had their pick of the litter.  You could’ve put in an offer on any number of places and been a homeowner by midweek, no bidding wars or anything.  If I was looking to buy, I’d peruse the calendar looking for other opportune low-traffic days (Labor Day?) when everyone’s going to be off at the beach or something and then prepare to pressure some seller with a cash offer that expires in twenty-four hours.  When things are this hyper-competitive, you have to get creative.  When I was looking for an apartment, at first I did what everyone else did, which was to check out the listings with the nicest photos, only to find out that I was competing with hundreds of other prospective tenants, most of whom had credit at least 500 points better than me.  So what I did was I started calling the listings with really crappy photos or – even better – no photos at all.  Sure, I saw a lot of horrible creepy places (people will straight up, to your face, try and rent you a closet/pantry/crawlspace while telling you it’s a bedroom), but I also found several nice below-market places being rented by elderly or unmotivated landlords who just didn’t really get the internet, or didn’t have a digital camera.  I literally hacked the system.  *Unironically slides on tiny mirrored “the Matrix”-style sunglasses*

This Logan penthouse is actually located in the top half of a historic 1905 rowhouse;  it’s actually quite jarring to walk in, like if you opened a leather-bound book, and inside there was in iPad.  The place is just massive, with tons of room and light, and ridiculously high ceilings.  This place could hold so many odors;  if I lived here I’d never shower and just pickle cabbage all day, until the top six feet of the entire apartment was just a solid haze of pungency.  (Why?  Just because.)  You enter into the main space, which is basically a combination living/dining/etc room;  there’s southern exposure, so you get tons of sunlight just blasting in and prematurely aging you.  (Wear sunscreen.)  Off the main loft area is the chef’s kitchen, which features Sub-Zero and Fisher-Paykel appliances which is cool but not necessarily something to include in your online dating profiles.  You may also experience, while cooking in this kitchen, the occasional feeling of someone watching you from above, almost as if – OH MY GOD!!!  There’s a floating den overlooking the kitchen.  I don’t know why I screamed there.  Sorry.

The master suite features tons of closet space, and opens onto a private terrace overlooking the neighborhood.  The standard I use to determine if a terrace or roof deck is truly top notch is whether or not I could go out there naked without neighbors calling the police and/or calling their friends over to the window and being like “oh my god, what is that, a rash?”  And this terrace passes that test;  you’re at the very top of everything, so, you know, pants are optional.  (You should actually go to a craft fair and get one of those rustic hand-painted artificially-weathered wood signs to hang out on the terrace:  “Pants Optional.”)  The master bath is palatial, with tons of white marble, a glass-walled shower, and twin basins.  (I’ve always wondered what happened when just one person moved into a master suite like this;  do they alternate basins, or do they use the extra one for, like, change and stuff?)

Of course, the biggest selling point of this place is its location – right in Logan Circle and just steps off 14th Street, which right now is hands down the hottest neighborhood in the city.  You’ll be within a couple blocks of the top twenty or thirty bars and restaurants in DC.  You could probably cover your mortgage just by renting out your parking space to weekend bar hoppers from Arlington, though if you did that, you’d have to spend at least part of that money to hire people to come and clean up all the dog feces your angry neighbors would be shoving into your mail slot in the middle of the night.

1449 N Street NW #4
2 Bedrooms, 2.5 Baths
$1,249,000

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