Going to an open house at the most expensive listing in the city is kind of corny and front-runner-y, like going to the “#1 movie in America!” at the box office, or wearing a NY Yankees cap when you don’t even like baseball. And yet I do it all the time, and it’s rarely disappointing. I think this is because real estate is a more honest market compared to, say, movies, where the actual thing being sold is less important than the marketing and advertising. Which is to say, I’m still incredibly bitter and angry about paying money to see “Anchorman 2.”
This house though! I literally laughed when I walked up to it, if only so I wouldn’t cry that I could never afford it. I actually calculated that, paying half my average annual salary towards a mortgage, it would take me half a millennium to pay this house off, which I guess rules out early retirement. When I explained these calculations to my girlfriend, who was at the open house with me, she just muttered something about how she was homecoming queen and she must be cursed, and then went off to cry tears of rage in the pantry. It actually looks sort of like a version of the White House with much more flair, with those pillars and all. The front porch is massive; I’m not really sure it qualifies as a porch anymore, at this size, sort of how a studio becomes a loft when it exceeds a certain amount of square footage. The foyer is massive, and gives onto the even more massive living room, which is centered around a glorious antique fireplace. From there, we go to the sprawling formal dining room, which also features an excellent fireplace – as does the gourmet kitchen. Whoever built this house really loved their fireplaces, which is sort of unfortunate when you consider what we now know about how bad fireplaces are for your health; a house with three fireplaces is sort of like a maternity gift basket with a carton of Marlboro Reds in it. Still, they look nice; I guess you can put potted plants in them or something. (Oh but back to the kitchen – the dining area is in this huge glass-enclosed bay area, and also features rich dark hardwood cabinetry and an island which alone is almost as large as my entire kitchen.)
Farther back is the bright, airy laundry room, which faces onto the yard and features huge windows; this is hands down the nicest laundry room I’ve ever seen, and it’s either genius or ridiculous excess. (And there’s a fine line between the two, as evidenced by, say, my collection of Cosby cardigans.) Next is the library, which has tons of built-ins and fantastic natural light. I don’t really know if libraries are really relevant anymore; maybe the next buyer can convert it to a “tweeting room” or something? Upstairs, the master bedroom suite features a sitting room area that’s as large as a standalone living room; if the master bedroom, bath, and sitting room were being rented as a one bedroom apartment, you’d easily get three grand a month for it.
Out back is a massive, fenced-in garden; the house is built on a quarter acre lot, so there’s plenty of room for your dog or kids to frolic through the grass, or maybe you if you get your hands on some really good drugs. And it’s in Cleveland Park; the listing says it’s on “one of the most coveted streets in the city,” but I don’t know about that. Yes, it’s a really swank, quiet neighborhood where it’s probably safe enough that you could fall asleep naked on a pile of cash in your front yard, but when I think “most coveted,” I think of water slides and a free ice cream truck doing circuits 24/7. And I definitely didn’t see either of those things in the area. So, you know, keep it in mind, I guess.
3225 Highland Place NW
7 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths