While everyone talks about Logan and Bloomingdale, Woodley has been calmly smirking in the background, like a 35 year old at the end of the bar quietly tying cherry stems into knots with her tongue while everyone fawns over the 19 year old whose idea of consideration is not putting her phone on speaker during coitus. Woodley was Logan when Logan was just pawn shops and people talking to themselves, and it’s only gotten better in the last decade. This house is one of the finer homes in the neighborhood; it was one of only eight homes built on this street way back in 1916, and faces the manicured grounds of the Swiss embassy, which means that if you ever need chocolate or a high-quality moderately-priced wristwatch, you can just pop on over. (That was a joke: if you try this, security guards will taze you.)
The front of the house boasts a large porch, so you can take in the unique view, though it’s really more of an open porch-like platform, as it lacks railings or a roof. If I lived here I’d install surveillance cameras on the front of the house so when one of my drunk friends inevitable tipped their chair off the porch and into the yard, I would have a video to laugh at hysterically until they stopped returning my calls and blocked me on all social media. You could also rig up some sort of makeshift roof, maybe with tentpoles and a bed sheet, but that might annoy your neighbors, not to mention the Swiss. (They already think we’re tacky, don’t make it worse with your porch-fort.)
Although the house is a hundred years old, it’s been fully updated with all the latest finishes that you’ll be laughing at with embarrassment ten years from now. You enter into a roomy foyer, which leads to the wide-open living room, which features a fantastic fireplace. Next is the lavish chef’s kitchen, with has top of the line stainless steel appliances and more cabinets than a store that only sells cabinets. This massive kitchen opens onto the formal dining room, which is flooded with natural light via several floor-to-ceiling glass doors that open onto the deck-slash-terrace, so your neighbors can watch you eat through binoculars. Upstairs are four incredible bedrooms, each one bigger than the last, as long as you tour them from smallest to largest. Each bedroom has tons of windows and very high ceilings for you to stare at hatefully as you meditate on your future accomplishments/past glory, depending on your age, I guess. The master bedroom is the nicest of all, as you might imagine, sporting a small sitting room/office area that could also double as a horse stall, if you really like horses and are insane, and a lavish master bath. I was blown away by the soaking tub, and the massive vanity which, let’s face it, was made to be buried under several dozen bottles of CVS brand skin and hair products.
Downstairs there’s a two-bedroom au pair suite (if you have two au pairs, I tip my hat to you, sir), and out back is the aforementioned wooden deck. The deck leads to a wide paved garden terrace, shielded from the prying eyes of your neighbors by hedges, and perfect for an afternoon barbecue or a humiliating Sunday afternoon attempt at the crossword puzzle. Under the deck is actually a large alcove and gardening table; if you ever want to know what your friends really think about you, have a deck party and then, at the height, tell everyone you have to go run an errand for an hour and then sneak below and listen to what they say about you. True story: I have a friend who actually did this, and all I’ll say is this: soon after that night, he moved overseas, and never talks to any of us anymore.
2853 29th Street NW
7 Bedrooms, 5 Baths