You know a house is going to be nice when one of the first pictures in the listing is a high-quality custom watercolor painting of the house’s facade. The only two things on the planet right now that I can say for sure have gotten the professional portrait painting treatment is this house, and the Queen of England. (And probably Kanye.) Pretty good company.
This house probably deserves it, too; it’s definitely the largest house I’ve ever been in. Not just in terms of square footage (just over 5000), but also in the sense that every individual room and finish is just large. The windows in the breakfast room, for example, went from my shins to several feet over my head, and each window consisted of 28 individual panes of glass. These are the Hummer of windows. This house has an entryway that leads to a massive foyer that leads to a second entryway on the other side of the house, both of which would be moderately-sized studio apartments in Manhattan. The living room alone is almost thirty feet long; think about that – it would take you like fifteen seconds to sprint from one end of the room to the other. (Ha ha, you’re in terrible shape, what are you, allergic to salad?) I feel like this house was designed by someone whose mother, when he was young, would get drunk every night and then come into his bedroom at 2AM and sit at the foot of his bed and say stuff like, “You’re pretty bright, sure, but let’s be honest; you’ll never grow up to design the world’s roomiest house. Don’t even bother trying, you’ll just end up embarrassing yourself!”
I don’t want to sound bitter though, mostly because I am in fact extremely bitter that I live in an apartment and not this huge house. Aside from the living room, there’s a bright formal dining room (also very large), and a kitchen that features counters so long a single engine plane could probably execute an emergency landing on them. There’s also a sun porch which is really just a very nice room with a wall missing, so it’s open to the yard. From the kitchen, the upstairs bedrooms are a brisk 45-minute walk away, longer if there’s traffic. There are two lavish master bedrooms, which could set your family up for some hilarious decades-long feuding; both feature gleaming hardwood floors and so many windows that your curtain bill will easily run into five figures, unless you do what I did, which is just tack up the corny plaid flannel picnic blankets from the picnic set your ex’s parents gave you like a week before you broke up. Farther upwards is the very top level, which has a cool, irregularly shaped bedroom (with its own full bath), as well as a ton of unfinished attic storage space that, with minimum effort, could be turned into a very authentic medieval dungeon, if that’s your thing, you pervert. And the very lowest level features an au pair suite, as well as extensive “workshop space” for the man of the house to “casually” putter around in while waiting for the au pair to emerge from her suite, so he can be like, “Oh hey, have I ever showed you what I did with the attic?” There’s also a really large cedar closet, to store your cedar in, though considering that the closet itself is also made of cedar, that’s kind of weird and cannibalistic. Out back is a HUGE fenced-in yard, so your dogs, kids, horses, et cetera, can all run totally free (inside the fence). And finally, there’s a two-car garage – constructed from stone, not wood – so at night your cars can pretend they’re vacationing in the Scottish highlands or something. Ha ha, stupid cars!
3728 Harrison Street NW
5 Bedrooms, 5.5 Baths