Believe it or not, the most expensive house showing on any given weekend is rarely the nicest; it’s usually either a lavishly-finished but cramped shoebox in some prime area of town, or a massive, sprawling mansion that’s a forty minute drive from the nearest restaurant (a strip mall Olde Country Buffet). This place is actually the first “most expensive open house of the weekend” in recent memory that’s the nicest home and is also in prime location, which is why I’m typing this write-up from the crawlspace, where I’m periodically rattling these heavy chains and/or moaning, so I can scare the present occupants out of the house and then squat here for a few glorious weeks before the cops taze me and throw me in jail.
Located in the East Village (between this neighborhood and Brookland (say it fast), I would totally sue DC if I was the mayor of New York City), this recently renovated townhouse has it all. There’s a large foyer right when you walk in, which is perfect for one last mental rehearsal of your story about how you’re late because the car broke down and it’s not whiskey you reek of, but gasoline (what, it’s worth a try). The gourmet kitchen is incredibly sleek and all-white: it’s like it traveled here from the future specifically to make us feel stupid about our clunky brown cabinetry. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “I really like my new iPhone, I just wish I could use it to cook a five course meal,” then this is the place for you. The living room is similarly sophisticated, with an awesome white marble fireplace, recessed lighting, European oak floors, and french doors that open onto the garden. (More about the garden later.) Upstairs, the main bedroom suite is extremely roomy, with sliding glass doors opening onto a private balcony where you can eat shelled peanuts and toss the shells over the rail (that’s the only thing I ever use my balcony for). The main bath is equally impressive; there are twin basins, and a soaking tub as well as a glass-walled shower, so you and your significant other could potentially shower and bathe and the same time. (This sounds fine in theory but for some reason, just thinking about it makes me really really uncomfortable, like that thing that European couples do where they both use the toilet at the same time; there is such a thing as too much intimacy.) There’s also smart home technology throughout, which means that instead of flipping a switch to turn your lights on or off, you can now take out your smartphone, enter in the security code, swipe like fifteen times to the “lights” section of the house app, select the room you’re in, and then push a button. The future is now, folks. No, but seriously, as someone with enough anxiety that I’ve actually gone home from work because I thought I might have left the oven on (not only wasn’t it on, I hadn’t even used it in several days), smart home technology is a no-brainer.
Of course, the real gem of this house is the deep, long (*Beavis laugh*) private garden out back. Equipped with a stone fireplace and a super high privacy fence, this garden is way too nice of a space to only use half the year; I would definitely invest in some of those outdoor heaters they have at bars and restaurants and hang out back here even in the dead of winter, because that’s the kind of out-of-the-box thinker I am, which is actually one of the bullet points on my resume, right under “never technically been convicted of embezzling (mistrial).”
3053 Q Street NW
4 Bedrooms, 4.5 Baths