This brilliant Berkley Colonial is super classy and sophisticated, and yet it only dates to 1986. Twenty-eight in “house years” is nothing; this house is basically in preschool. This house, when it’s naptime, would refuse to lie down, and instead would sprint in circles around the classroom while screaming, until the fed up and on-the-brink-of-tears teacher seriously considered getting the pepper spray out of her purse and giving this house a nice long blast of it right in the eyes, an anecdote she’ll tell some mustached doof that night at the bar over just enough glasses of wine that she’ll take him up on his offer to “go back to his place so they can talk about her options for a career change.” Basically, it would be this house’s fault that its preschool teacher ended up carrying the baby of a guy named “Todd,” who has a tanning bed in his garage.
But yeah, this house is also massive. The living room is so huge that the two full-sized sofas they had in there for the open house seemed like dollhouse furniture. There’s a fireplace and tons of built-ins too, where you can set out the digital slideshow picture frames your parents keep getting you for Christmas, right before they visit. There’s also an entire wall of french doors, so there’s tons of light, and evacuating a crowd would be a cinch. Next, there’s a sprawling dining room (also with french doors), which flows, via an open floor plan, into the large L-shaped kitchen. There’s a ton of cabinet space, and the range is actually on the island, which is cool, even if that means someone will definitely end up sitting on it at some point. The kitchen flows into a nice, bright breakfast nook, which also sports, yes, several french doors. (Whoever built this must’ve had a “buy ten doors, get ten free” coupon or something.)
Upstairs, the master bedroom suite features a legitimate sitting room; a lot of master bedrooms have, like, a bay window-type nook in one corner that they try and label a sitting room area, but this is an actual separate, medium-to-large sitting room with built-ins and everything. There’s also a few doors with big panes of glass in the middle, can’t quite remember what they’re called, I know it has something to do with stuck up people who don’t wear deodorant. Bard College Doors? Ha ha, I kid. The master bedroom itself has room for like eight California Kings (if you’re looking to start an underground sex club), and the master bath is also incredible, with twin vanities, fancy showgirl-style lighting that will cast all your flaws in pitiless detail, and a sweet soaking tub. Best of all, there are very generously proportioned his-and-hers walk-in closets, so your huge collections of material things that don’t make you happy but which you keep accumulating anyway can be close, but will never actually intermingle. It’s a metaphor.
Other stuff; there’s a sauna downstairs, so you can go and sweat out all your toxins each day, i.e. make room for more toxins. There’s an in-ground pool too, sheltered with plenty of greenery so your unclothed flesh doesn’t induce dry heaving in the neighbors, and a ton of decks and balconies (hence the french doors!), from which you have fantastic views of the reservoir and, beyond that, Virginia. It’s a known fact, looking at water has been scientifically proven to reduce stress, and looking at Virginia from DC has been proven to produce an intoxicatingly smug feeling of self-congratulation that you don’t live there.
4712 Reservoir Road NW
5 Bedrooms, 3.5 Baths